


An American and a Tiger at Hogwarts

by FanMan93



Category: Calvin & Hobbes, Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-19
Updated: 2020-08-21
Packaged: 2021-03-02 16:53:36
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 23,564
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24270130
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FanMan93/pseuds/FanMan93
Summary: Calvin is eleven now. His family has moved to England. But other than that his life is more or less the same, until a witch knocks on his door to tell him he's a wizard.
Comments: 7
Kudos: 44





	1. You're a Wizard Calvin

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own Calvin and Hobbes or Harry Potter, they belong to Bill Watterson and J.K. Rowling, respectively.
> 
> Author's Notes: Ok I'd like to start out by saying I know this crossover has been done before. I decided to do my own version because, A: Most other versions died unfinished, and B: several of them weren't that well written to begin with. I can't promise neither of those things will happen here, but I'm going to try my best. I'm trying to be as true to both universes as possible, but I might have to take some small liberties here and there, starting with the fact that I've had to give Calvin a last name, there was just no way around it.
> 
> I also want to warn you that this does start out a little bit slow, this first chapter if it were a comic would be mostly "Xeroxed talking heads" as Bill Watterson put it. but I assure you it will pick up.
> 
> Enough of my rambling let's get the story started!

It was finally happening, the thing Calvin's father, Mr. Campbell had been dreading. He'd always known it was a possibility, he'd even warned his wife about it in what had been one of the most awkward conversations of his life. Yet somehow he managed to convince himself it wouldn't happen, even when the warning signs had started piling up.

Ever since Calvin was six it'd been clear that he was different, but there had really only been one or two incidents that couldn't be explained. Things had gotten worse as he'd gotten older. It started getting really noticeable when Calvin was about nine, and his father's firm had transferred him to England.

On the plane, the flight attendant had tried to make Calvin stow Hobbes in the overhead compartment. 'Spaceman Spiff' had shot her with his ray gun, in reality he'd just pointed his finger at her like a gun, but somehow it managed to send her flying out of coach. Fortunately no one else had seen what caused her to take such a tumble, and everyone was too busy tending to her to bother Calvin.

For a while after that it was business as usual, which meant many strange but explainable incidents. Then people began to occasionally see something orange moving out of the corner eye, not a stuffed tiger, a real one, sometimes a voice could even be heard, but when one looked again there would just be a toy.

Towards the end of their first year in England, the neighbors rottweiler had growled at Calvin once too often and been 'transmogrified' into a rat. After that they'd had to move out of the flat in London they'd been living in, and had to spend far more money than Mr. Campbell had wanted on a house in the country, from which he'd have to commute to work.

By the time Calvin was eleven it seemed the old stuffed tiger was completely gone, Hobbes was now, it seemed, one-hundred percent real, not just to Calvin, but to everyone. He walked, he talked, he pounced, he ate all the tuna in the pantry, and he made it very difficult to pretend nothing unusual was going on.

And now there was a witch at the front door. She was easily identified as a witch by her robes and pointed hat. That fact that a moment ago he'd seen her through the window, changing from a cat to a human was also a clue. "Mr. Campbell I presume?" She said when he opened the door. "My name is Professor Minerva McGonagall, I'm here about your son, Calvin."

"Of course." Mr. Campbell sighed, for a completely different reason than he usually sighed when someone said they were there about Calvin. "You'll be from that school then. What's it called, Hog- something? Anyway won't you come in? My wife was just making some tea, please, join us."

"Hogwarts, yes." replied Professor McGonagall, very surprised as she came in. "But how did you know? According to our information you and Mrs. Campbell are muggles."

"Muggles?" Mr. Campbell repeated motioning the witch towards a chair, "Honey! We have company!" he called into the kitchen. "It's finally happening!"

There was a small crash. "Everything's fine, just dropped a cup." Mrs. Campbell called back. "Just give me a minute to clean that up, and I'll be right out."

"Err, yes, that's what we call non-magical people." Professor McGonagall explained, still quite confused as to how these muggles seemed to know what was happening.

"I see. In America we say no-maj." Mr Campbell replied. "I'm afraid I still haven't fully mastered speaking UK English, and wizarding terms don't come up often. Anyway my wife is a 'muggle', but I, well, I don't have magic either, but I'm a... do you use the term squib here?"

"Yes we do." Professor McGonagall replied, relieved to finally know what was happening. "That explains it. For a moment I was worried there'd been some breach of the international statute of secrecy. I'm afraid whatever country they're from, wizards are notoriously bad at keeping track of squibs. An unfortunate number prefer to pretend they don't exist. A shocking attitude in this day and age if you ask me."

"True, true," Mr. Campbell nodded. "Fortunately my family had a rather progressive attitude about such things, although my brother did tease me a bit, and they don't visit often because they hate having to pretend to be muggles, but I digress."

Just then Mrs. Campbell came out with a tea tray. "Dear, this is Professor McGonagall." Mr Campbell told her as she set it down.

"Pleasure to meet you." said Mrs Campbell. "How do you take your tea?"

"Black is fine, thank you." Professor McGonagall replied. As Mrs. Campbell poured, Minerva couldn't help noticing there she'd brought _five_ cups, presumably one of the extras was so Calvin could join them, but who was the other for? But stranger than that, on the tray next to a plate of biscuits(Cookies to the Americans), was a can of tuna. _Perhaps it's some strange American custom_ , she thought as she accepted the offered teacup. "Now Mr. Campbell, before we talk to Calvin, you should tell me how much you've already told him."

"Well I haven't exactly told him anything yet." Mr. Campbell confessed. "I was sort of hoping he wouldn't be... you know? And by the time it became clear that he _was,_ well, I didn't know what to say."

"I understand, it's a difficult situation you're in." said Professor McGonagall. "Obviously to tell him when there were still any doubts could do more harm than good, but the longer you wait the harder it gets."

"To be honest the problem isn't so much doubt, as it is denial." said Mrs. Campbell. "Really it's been obvious for some time now that Calvin isn't, if you'll forgive me putting it this way, normal."

"Yes, about that," said Mr. Campbell, sounding somewhat nervous. "Before we get to telling Calvin, there are some things about him we should tell you."

"Dear, never mind telling her about Calvin," interrupted Mrs. Campbell. "We should be telling her about-" Just then she was cut off by the sound of a screaming child running down the stairs.

"Mooooom! Daaaad! Hobbes is trying to eat me!" Calvin wailed as he ran in. Eleven year old Calvin looked much like a six year old Calvin. His hair was the same spiky yellow mess, he still wore a lot of striped shirts, but he had grown enough that shorts no longer touched his feet, now stopping about halfway between his knees and his ankles, which meant he now had to wear full length trousers(he'd learned quickly not to call them pants because in England that word actually refers to tighty-whities, which can cause some embarrassing misunderstandings) and roll them up a lot.

"I am not you big sissy!" Hobbes yelled as he bounded in and tackled the boy. Hobbes hadn't changed at all, except that he was now visible to everyone. "I'm just practicing my pouncing! I need the exercise! It's not _my_ fault your parents are being all weird and not letting me go outside!"

"Stop this right now, both of you!" Mr. Campbell shouted, then forcing himself to use a much calmer voice he added. "We have a guest. Now why do you both sit down and have some tea. This is Professor McGonagall. Professor, this is Calvin, and this is Hobbes, his tiger. It's a long story."

Professor McGonagall had spent decades at Hogwarts, and seen some extraordinary magic, but even so when she was confronted by an anthropomorphic tiger her jaw dropped and she found herself at a loss for words.

"I like your costume." Calvin said as he and Hobbes sat down and started helping themselves to tea, biscuits, and in the tiger's case, tuna. "But it's a bit early for Halloween, ya know."

"That's not a Halloween costume Calvin" Mr. Campbell explained, as it seemed Professor McGonagall was still too much in shock to respond. "Calvin, Professor McGonagall teaches at a very special school, she's come to talk to us about you attending."

The mention of a teacher in the house immediately put Calvin on the defensive, "Whatever they're telling you about me it's not true!" He shouted "I'm a good kid, it's just wherever I go bad things just happen! Did they tell you about the noodle incident? 'Cause that was five years ago and there were extenuating circumstances!"

This got Professor McGonagall speaking again. "Do I _want_ to know what he's talking about?" She asked Calvin's parents.

"Probably not." Mr. Campbell replied. "Calvin, we haven't told her anything about you, but there is something you need to be told. God, how do I put this?"

"If I may." Said Professor McGonagall. "I've given this news to several children in my time, and I find the direct approach is best. Calvin, magic is real, and you are a wizard. The school I teach at is where young witches and wizards like yourself go to learn magic"

Calvin seemed more willing to believe this than any child Professor McGonagall had ever encountered. "Really? Cool! I always knew there was something special about me!" he declared. "So you're a witch, then? Prove it, show me some magic!"

"Calvin, don't be rude." scolded Mrs. Campbell.

"It's alright," Said Professor McGonagall. "Children demanding proof is all part of this job. Though in the future I would strongly suggest you say 'please', young man" and then she turned into a tabby cat with spectacle-like markings around her eyes.

Mrs. Campbell gasped, being told magic was real was one thing, actually seeing it was another.

Hobbes was so surprised he almost choked on his tuna.

"Awesome!" Yelled Calvin. "Can you guys believe this?" he glanced at Hobbes and his parents,

"Actually Calvin, yes." Replied Mr Campbell. "I never told you this, because I wasn't sure you'd be a wizard, but I'm what's known as a squib, which means I come from a wizard family, but didn't inherit any magical abilities myself."

"That must have sucked growing up." said Calvin. "No wonder you're so cranky all the time."

"It wasn't easy." Mr. Campbell sighed through gritted teeth.

"But I bet it built a lot of character!" Calvin added in typical smart-aleck fashion.

Mrs. Campbell and Hobbes couldn't help snickering.

"I suppose I deserve that." Mr. Campbell grumbled after counting to a very high number in his head.

"Sorry to interrupt what I can only assume to be a private family joke," Said Professor McGonagall, who had changed back into human form. "But I think Calvin had best read this." he said holding out a parchment envelope, sealed with purple wax bearing a crest with the image of a lion, an eagle, a snake and a badger surrounding a large H.

Calvin opened the envelope and took out two sheets of parchment, he read the first aloud.

HOGWARTS SCHOOL _of_ WITCHCRAFT _and_ WIZARDRY

Headmaster: Albus Dumbledore

_(Order of Merlin, First Class, Grand Sorc., Chf. Warlock,  
Supreme Mugwump, International Confed. of Wizards)_

Dear Mr. Calvin Campbell, We are pleased to inform you that you have been accepted at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Please find enclosed a list of all necessary books and equipment. Term begins on 1 September. Yours sincerely, Minerva McGonagall Deputy Headmistress

"Deputy Headmistress?" repeated Calvin, "Shouldn't delivering letters be beneath you, then?"

"All Hogwarts professors, regardless of position are required to take turns explaining the situation to students with non-wizard parents." Professor McGonagall replied. "Do you have any questions?"

"Well there is something I've been wondering about for a while, actually. Maybe you could help me figure it out." Calvin said. "Hobbes, is he some sort of magical creature or something? I've never seen anything else like him, and until a little while ago it was like people couldn't see him, they kept saying he was stuffed."

"Ah yes, Hobbes." Professor McGonagall said leaning forwards a bit to look at Hobbes more closely. "Most extraordinary, I've never seen anything quite like it. How precisely did you come across him?"

"I lured him into my tiger trap with a tuna fish sandwich, when I was six!" said Calvin, proud of his younger self's ingenuity.

"Actually I bought him at a toy store and put him in Calvin's trap." Mrs Campbell confessed. "I'm almost positive he was a stuffed toy, at the time."

"I see." said Professor McGonagall. "Well Calvin, it seems that without knowing you were doing you animated Hobbes, that is, brought him to life magically, and did some fairly skillful transfiguration to make his physical form more realistic."

"Neat!" declared Calvin. "Hey Hobbes since I gave you life, you must now forever do my bidding, got it?"

"Or I could just go berserk and kill my creator." Hobbes replied. his tone clam but his fangs bared.

"Alright then, no bidding, and no going berserk, that's fair, right?" said Calvin, suitably intimidated.

"Glad you see it that way." Hobbes said, casually sipping his tea as though he had not just threatened to kill his best friend.

"This really is astounding!" Professor McGonagall went on. "He seems fully sentient, and looks completely real! He's even able to ingest food and liquid! Most fully trained wizards couldn't create something this complex! I've never even _heard_ of anything quite like it!"

"So does that mean I'm some sort of prodigy?" Asked Calvin.

"Well, this is magic far beyond what someone your age should be capable of." Replied Professor McGonagall, who had the uneasy feeling that she had just unwittingly contributed to an ego that was already far too large.

Her suspicions were confirmed when Calvin jumped up and started shouting at his parents, "I knew I was a genius! You doubted me, but I knew! I may not be good at tests or homework, but this _proves_ my brilliance! Sweet vindication!"

"Or it could just be you're an idiot savant." said Hobbes with a smirk.

"Watch it tuna breath!" Calvin glared at the Tiger. "If I made you, that means I can probably _un_ make you too!"

Hobbes just stuck his tongue out.

"Calvin's 'genius' aside," said Mrs. Campbell. "Why weren't we able to see Hobbes until recently? The way Calvin talks I can only assume he's been around much longer."

"Hmm, that's a more complicated matter." replied Professor McGonagall. "If I had to hazard a guess, I'd say that on some subconscious level Calvin was aware that Hobbes wasn't, as you put it, 'normal', and used magic to keep others from seeing his true form. Such spells are used all over the world to keep muggles from seeing things they shouldn't. But now that Calvin's older his magic is stronger, and harder to control without proper training, he's not able to keep the spell up any longer. A few years at Hogwarts and Calvin should be able to control who sees Hobbes and who doesn't."

"Wait a minute!" exclaimed Hobbes. "The magic that makes me alive isn't just going to wear off too, is it?" Hobbes was having just a tiny bit of trouble processing what was happening. For years he'd secretly held questions about his own existence. He'd noticed long before Calvin that no one could see him, and that there were no other animals like him. Strangest of all he had no memory of anything before meeting Calvin, as though he'd just sprang up out of nowhere at that moment. Now that he knew the answer to his questions he found it, disconcerting, to say the least.

"No need to worry about that." Professor McGonagall assured him. "If you've been animated for five years it would seem the spell is permanent. We actually have objects at Hogwarts that have been animated for over a thousand years."

"One other thing," said Calvin, who'd just finished skimming his supply list. "This bit here where it says I can bring an owl OR a cat OR a toad, a tiger counts as a cat, right?"

"That's debatable." replied Professor McGonagall, "However due to his magical nature, I don't think it would be wise to leave him with your parents. If you need any special accommodations for him, let me know and I will make the arrangements."

"I don't think there's anything special, can you think of anything Hobbes?" asked Calvin.

"This is a boarding school, yeah? Can I get my own bed? Calvin keeps me up all night whining that I hog the covers!" the tiger complained.

"You do hog the covers!" Calvin told him.

"Well, you have cold feet!" retorted Hobbes.

"I'll make a note of it." interjected Professor McGonagall, already feeling sorry for whoever these two ended up sharing a dorm with, "Now if that's all, there's the matter of shopping for your school supplies. I'll have to take you since you need a wand to get into Diagon Alley where the wizarding shops are located. The rest of you may come with us if you wish. You'll need to bring some money to exchange for wizard money at Gringotts, the wizard bank."

"Of course, I took out a withdrawal recently, just in case." Said Mr. Campbell. "Calvin, would you go get it, it's in an envelope on my nightstand."

"Okay!" Calvin replied rushing upstairs, excited.

"That should give us a couple of minutes, there's some things about we have to warn you about." Mr. Campbell blurted, "He has such an overactive imagination he sometimes becomes completely detached from reality. He's constantly trying to pull off harebrained schemes and practical jokes. Plus he hates rules, authority figures, and any sort of work. Did I forget to mention anything?"

"His total disregard for safety!" Hobbes chimed in. "All those wagon rides off Dismemberment Gorge, and the sled rides down Suicide Slopes!" the tiger shuttered

_Merlin's beard! This boy sounds worse than the Weasley twins! And just my luck he'll be a Gryffindor!_ Professor McGonagall thought. Aloud she said. "Hogwarts has had its fair share of problem students. I'm sure we can handle him."

"His first grade teacher thought that." Said Mr. Campbell. "She still sends us angry letters, from the mental hospital."

Professor McGonagall's eyes widened at that.

"Honey, don't exaggerate!" said Mrs. Campbell, but any relief caused by this comment was cut short when she added, "They released her from that place almost a year ago."

_Why me?_ Thought Professor McGonagall.


	2. Diagon Alley

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I don't own Calvin and Hobbes or Harry Potter. It would be super cool if I did, but I don't

By the time Calvin came back with the envelope of money, his parents and Hobbes had filled Professor McGonagall in on some of Calvin's more memorable exploits(including the noodle incident, although she really _hadn't_ wanted to know).

"Alright got the money let's get going!" Calvin yelled as he ran back in.

"Not so fast young man!" Professor McGonagall said sternly. "Your family has just been telling me some frankly shocking things about your past behavior. It seems you have a talent for causing chaos, and that everyone's best efforts to reign you in have been unsuccessful. I think you'll find that the staff at Hogwarts are much better equipped to deal with you. I for one, will not tolerate some of the things I've been told you've done. I expect you not only to stay on your best behavior and pay full attention in class, but to give all your schoolwork no less than your best effort. If you don't there will be consequences. Do I make myself clear?"

Calvin let out a nervous gulp. It wasn't the professor's words that got to him, but the look in her eyes when she spoke to him. Minerva McGonagall wasn't like Miss Wormwood or any other teacher he'd ever had. It was clear that if he tried to challenge her authority the results would not be pretty. Nothing he could possibly do could drive her to smoke an insane amount of cigarettes or chug a bottle of Maalox. He got the feeling if he tried to tell her things like, 'You can present the material, but you can't make me care.' she would find a way to make him care, whether he liked it or not, "Yes Ma'am. I understand."

"Was that magic? Or is she just that good?" Mrs. Campbell whispered to her husband who shrugged in response.

"Now that that's settled we'd best be off." declared Professor McGonagall. Producing her wand she pointed it at the fireplace, which was unlit, it being the middle of summer, and a fire roared to life. She then took from her pocket a small sack of green powder "Calvin, take a handful of this and toss it in the fire. When the fire turns green step into it, don't worry you won't burn, and say as clearly as you can 'Diagon Alley'. Also keep your eyes shut, your elbows tucked in, and refrain from fidgeting, or you might find yourself coming out the wrong fireplace."

"Alright." said Calvin, taking a fistful of the strange powder and tossing it into the flames. As promised the fire turned green, Calvin stepped into it and shouted "Diagon Alley!"

There was a deafening roar as Calvin started to feel like he was being sucked down a giant drain spinning and spinning until finally, covered in soot, he tumbled out onto the floor of what appeared to a very dingy pub. "That was awesome!" he announced as he stood up and dusted himself off.

Moments later Hobbes popped out of the fireplace, "That was almost as bad as one of your wagon rides!" the tiger declared.

Calvin's parents must have decided not to come, because the next person to come out of the fireplace was Professor McGonagall "Both of you alright? Good." She said, then took out her wand and cleaned them up magically.

"Is this Diagon Alley?" Asked Calvin.

"Yes and no" Replied Professor McGonagall, "This is The Leaky Cauldron, the oldest pub in London. The front door," she said gesturing, "Leads out to Charing Cross Road. The back door is the entrance to Diagon Alley. This way."

"I say Minerva," said an absolutely ancient looking man behind the bar as they passed "What's that tiger looking creature you've got with you?"

"No time to explain, Tom." she replied, "I'm here on school business." the Professor led them out the back to a small walled courtyard. "Pay attention Calvin, you'll need to know this the next time you come here. Three bricks up, and two across. Stand back" She said tapping the selected brick with her wand.

The brick wiggled, then a hole formed, and soon it expanded into a huge archway, leading onto a twisting cobblestone street. "Welcome to Diagon Alley." Professor McGonagall said as she started leading them down the fantastic street at a brisk pace.

Calvin and Hobbes would have liked to move a bit slower, taken closer looks at the magical things all around them, but it seemed after all she'd learned about Calvin, Professor McGonagall wanted to complete her business with him as quickly as possible. So they hurried past cauldrons, owls, racing brooms, and a thousand other amazing things, until they finally came to a huge white marble building with bronze doors.

"Whoa! What's that guy!" said Calvin, pointing to a small, long fingered man who stood by the doors.

"He is a goblin, they run Gringotts." Professor McGonagall explained. "And it's rude to point and gawk."

They walked through the bronze doors and and saw a second set of silver doors with the inscription:

_Enter, stranger, but take heed_

_Of what awaits the sin of greed_

_For those who take, but do not earn,_

_Must pay most dearly in their turn._

_So if you seek beneath our floors_

_A treasure that was never yours,_

_Thief, you have been warned, beware_

_Of finding more than treasure there._

"Ooh, ominous!" said Calvin. "I guess this place doesn't get robbed a lot, huh?"

"Never." replied Professor McGonagall as they passed through the doors into a vast hall full of goblins. Walking up to the counter she said to one of the goblins, "We need to exchange some muggle money."

Calvin gave the money to the Goblin who quickly counted it, then started filling a bag with gold, silver, and copper coins

"Bronze Knuts, silver Sickles, and gold Galleons." Professor McGonagall explained "Twenty-nine Knuts to a Sickle, seventeen Sickles to a Galleon."

Once they had the money they went back out. The next hour or so was spent Going to various shops for all the things Calvin needed. First Madam Malkin's to get robes, then Flourish and Blotts for his books(Calvin had never seen so many books he'd actually wanted to read), eventually there was only one thing left on the list.

"Here we are, Ollivanders." said Professor McGonagall as they approached a shabby narrow shop with a single wand displayed in the window, "The best place in all Britain for wands."

"Awesome!" replied Calvin, who of course had been eagerly awaiting this.

A bell tinkled as they entered "Good afternoon." Said an old man with silvery eyes.

"Hi!" said Calvin

"Hello." said Hobbes

"Good afternoon" answered Professor McGonagall

"Minerva, a pleasure as always." said Mr. Ollivander. "Fir and dragon heartstring, nine and a half inches, stiff, am I right?"

"Correct as usual, Garrick." replied Professor McGonagall, who was well aware of Mr. Ollivander's memory for wand details, "But right now we need to find a wand for this young man."

"Of course, of course." Said Mr. Ollivander, looking at Calvin closely.

"So do I just pick one then?" asked Calvin.

"Oh no, young man, the wand chooses the wizard." Mr. Ollivander told him. "We just need to try until we find the right one. Now, which is your wand arm?"

"What?" asked Calvin.

"Are you right or left handed?" translated Professor McGonagall.

"Oh. Right." Calvin answered.

"Hold out your arm." Mr. Ollivander said producing a tape measure and measuring Calvin's arm, before letting the tape measure take over and measure various other parts of Calvin by itself. "Every Ollivander wand has a core of either unicorn hair, phoenix tail feather, or the heartstring of a dragon. No two are exactly alike. Of course you'll never get as good results from another wizard's wand." he explained as he went about the shop collecting boxes.

"That will do." Ollivander said and the tape measure fell to the floor. He held out one of the wands "Try this. Eight and a half inches, black walnut and phoenix feather, reasonably supple."

Calvin reached out to take the wand but before he even touched it, it let out a bang and a puff of smoke came from the tip "Whoa! Is that supposed to happen?" Calvin asked, jumping back.

"Oh my!" said Mr. Ollivander "It is a quirk of phoenix feather wands that they sometimes act of their own accord. It seems this wand dislikes you intensely."

"He has that effect on people," chuckled Hobbes "And sticks, apparently."

Mr. Ollivander looked at Hobbes as if he were just noticing him for the first time. "I don't know who or what you are, but let me make this clear, these are _not_ sticks! These are expertly crafted _wands!_ Powerful magical instruments, and _not_ to be taken lightly!"

"Ok, ok!" Hobbes said, putting his hands up in a gesture of surrender, "No making fun of the wands, got it!"

"Now where were we?" said Ollivander "Ah yes, try this one. Alder and unicorn hair, thirteen inches, brittle."

Calvin was able to take the offered wand this time but he'd barely lifted it before Mr. Ollivander snatched it back saying "No that won't do at all. Try this, English oak wood with a dragon heartstring core, fourteen and a quarter inches, surprisingly swishy."

Calvin grabbed the wand and waved it but nothing happened.

Many, many, wands later Mr. Ollivander said "I confess I just can't seem to find the right one for you, you must be a most unique individual."

"That's the most polite way of putting it." said Hobbes in a smart-aleck tone of voice

"Hmm, what else can we try?" mused Ollivander "Perhaps... maybe, just maybe."

"Maybe what?" asked Calvin.

"As I said, I only use phoenix feather, dragon heartstring, and unicorn hair for the cores of my wands," Mr. Ollivander said. "But I did have to do some experimenting before settling on these substances. Most of the wands I tried with other cores were subpar, but there were a few that, well, there was nothing wrong with them per say, they just had a bit too much... personality, for most wizards, I still have them, worth a try eh?"

Ollivander moved to the back of the shop and started rummaging through a cupboard that looked as though it hadn't been opened in a very long time. "Lets see what we have. Rougarou hair, never liked that one too inclined towards the dark arts. Thunderbird tail feather, very powerful, but too difficult for most to master. Hmm, forgot about this one, hair of a Curupira, a Brazilian dwarf with backwards facing feet. It's a bit unstable, only chooses those who are very talented, but somewhat unpredictable."

"That's Calvin all over!" said Hobbes

"Let's give it a try then." said Ollivander, bringing the wand over. "Sycamore wood, twelve and three-quarter inches, unyielding"

When Calvin took this wand, it immediately felt right in his hand, he waved it around and multi-color sparks began shooting out of it.

"Splendid, splendid! It seems we've found the wand for you!" Mr. Ollivander declared, "And a very unusual one at that, I expect you'll do some very interesting things with it. Anyway, that'll be seven Galleons." He said as he took the wand back and boxed it up.

"Cool!" said Calvin as he paid.

"Let me make this clear," Professor McGonagall told him as they left the store, "You are _not_ to use that wand until you get to Hogwarts. Underage wizards are forbidden to do magic outside of school, except in an emergency."

"Define 'emergency'." said Calvin, assuming the things he usually considered emergencies like boredom and evil babysitters weren't going to cut it.

"Nothing less than a life threatening situation." replied Professor McGonagall.

"And just out of curiosity what would happen if I did use magic outside of school?" Calvin asked.

"That's up to the Ministry of Magic." Professor McGonagall told him, "Depending on what you do and whether any muggles see it, you could get a simple letter warning you not do it again, or you might be expelled from Hogwarts and have your wand snapped in half. I strongly suggest you do not take that risk."

By now they had walked all the way back to the Leaky Cauldron. "One last thing, your ticket for the Hogwarts Express." Professor McGonagall said handing Calvin the ticket "It leaves from King's Cross Station, the first of September at eleven o'clock. I'll see you at Hogwarts."

Professor McGonagall once again held out the bag of Floo powder. Calvin and Hobbes each took a handful and moments later they were tumbling out of their own fireplace, getting soot everywhere.

"Calvin! Look at this mess!" exclaimed Calvin's mother

"Hey it's not _my_ fault wizards travel through the fireplace!"


	3. Two Letters and an Unusual Number

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter or Calvin and Hobbes

The last few weeks of summer were the longest of Calvin's life. Never before had he actually looked forward to school starting. He was so eager to start learning magic that he actually read most of his school books, although he skipped over about half of _Fantastic Beasts And Where To Find Them_ (You know, those dull bits in the beginning about how the ministry determines what's a beast and what's a being, the brief(you liar!) history of muggle awareness of fantastic beasts, and so on.), and he didn't even bother to open _A History Of Magic._

Besides the waiting, it was also driving Calvin crazy that he had to keep the whole wizard thing a secret. True his best(and pretty much only) friend already knew, but there was one other person he was dying to tell.

By the time Calvin's family had left America, he had matured just _barely_ enough to admit that he'd miss Susie Derkins(in a purely platonic way, he'd insist when Hobbes teased him about being "in looooove"), and so had started a pen pal relationship with her(another reason he'd done this was because he could practically hear her gagging all the way from Ohio when he wrote her that in England they ate something called "toad in the hole", neglecting, of course, to mention that no actual toads were involved).

Of course, just because he couldn't tell her exactly what was going on in his life didn't mean he wouldn't write.

_Dear Susie,_

_How are things in the U.S.A.? Things here in England are going great! You'll never guess what happened to me the other day, I got accepted into what must be the most amazing school in the U.K., maybe even the whole world!_

_I know, me, Calvin, excited about school! You're totally hearing the Twilight Zone theme in your head right now, right? But, well, suffice to say, this is not your ordinary school._

_I've already met one of my teachers, she seemed strict, but also really cool. She basically confirmed what I've always known, that I'm a genius! I bet you feel silly, thinking I was an idiot so long._

_I wish I could tell you more, but I've probably said too much already. This place is totally classified. Top secret. Hush hush, you understand. But if I could tell you, you'd be super jealous!_

_But enough about me, how's your life going? Anything interesting happening where you are? Looking forward to your reply._

_Sincerely, Calvin._

_P.S. Hobbes says hi._

"The way I remember it," Hobbes said reading the letter over Calvin's shoulder, " _You_ were the one who said you were a genius, not Professor McGonagall."

"Well she didn't disagree, did she?" Calvin replied.

"Right." Hobbes said, rolling his eyes. "So are you going to seal that letter with a kiss?"

"For the trillionth time, I don't like Susie like that!" Calvin snapped. "She's just a friend!"

"A friend who's a _girl!_ " Hobbes teased.

"So I outgrew the Get Rid Of Slimy girlS club, sue me!" Calvin yelled. "I do _not_ love Susie Derkins!" and he stormed out to mail his letter.

"Humans get so touchy when they're in love!" Hobbes declared to no one.

It was the last day of August before Susie's reply came.

_Dear Calvin,_

_That wild imagination of yours is slipping. You usually come up with something much more bizarre than some mysterious school you're not allowed to talk about. What no space aliens? No dinosaurs? Gravity hasn't stopped working? You're not even going to tell me about something really gross you ate?_

_Though you being excited about school is pretty surreal, and the idea of a teacher that thinks you're a genius is downright laughable! Still, it's just not up to your usual standards. If you insist on filling your letters with made up stories, at least make them entertaining!_

_Nice of you to stop bragging about your fantasy life long enough to ask about me. Sometimes I don't know why I bother writing to you. To be honest, not much has happened this summer. I hate to admit it but this town has been pretty dull since our local nutcase left the country. I'm looking forward to the beginning of school as always, but beyond that, same old, same old. Oh, I did see Miss Wormwood the other day. She's more or less recovered from the trauma of... you, and she's finally enjoying that retirement she was always mumbling about. Can't wait to hear from you again._

_Sincerely, Susie_

_P.S. Aren't you getting a bit old to still be talking about your stuffed tiger like he's real?_

"I don't know why I bother writing to her, either." said Calvin. "She never believes anything I tell her."

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Calvin, we have to get going!" Mrs. Campbell yelled the next morning as she waited by the front door. "Aren't you ready to go yet?"

Calvin had actually started getting ready that morning uncharacteristically early, he'd said goodbye to his father, who couldn't go with them to the train station because he had to work, and he'd made sure all his things were packed, but there was one last thing he was having trouble with.

"I'll be right down Mom!" He yelled back from his room. "As soon as I convince Hobbes to GET IN THE BLOODY TRUNK ALREADY!"

"I told you I'm not getting in that thing!" Hobbes snapped back. "I'll suffocate!"

"If you can survive going through the washing machine you can survive spending an hour or two in a trunk!" Calvin told him. "Come on, I'll let you out as soon as we get to where there are no muggles to see you."

"Like I'll even fit in there with all the junk you've packed!" the Tiger replied. In addition to his school supplies and other essentials, Calvin had packed all the equipment needed for Calvinball, his wagon(even though he was now to big to ride in it), his sled, his toboggan, a supply of water balloons, his Stupendous Man costume, his dart gun, and of course, a cardboard box.

"There's plenty of room!" Calvin insisted, "I got this trunk in Diagon alley, it's got a charm that makes it bigger on the inside."

"Can it also travel through time and space?" Hobbes asked sarcastically.

"Stop joking and get in!" Calvin demanded. "Come on, it's the only way to get you there without anyone seeing you. Remember that whole secrecy law Professor McGonagall told us about while we were shopping? If any muggles find out about you I'm in big trouble!"

"Well I'm still not going to hide in your luggage!" Hobbes declared.

"Alright then" said Calvin, "See you when I come home for the holidays, I'll be sure to write. Have fun here, cooped up in the house, with only my parents for company. I'm sure you won't be too bored."

"Oh alright!" Hobbes growled, climbing into the trunk, "But you better let me out the minute it's safe!"

"Yeah, sure." Calvin said, slamming the trunk lid before Hobbes could change his mind. Then he rushed down stairs, or rather he would have, if it weren't for one thing. "Mom! Can you come help me? This trunk is too heavy!"

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Are you _sure_ that's what your ticket says?" Calvin's mom asked later as she pushed a cart with Calvin's trunk though King's Cross Station.

"For the tenth time yes!" Calvin snapped. "It's printed right here, clear as day, platform nine and three-quarters!"

"But there's no such platform!" Mrs. Campbell pointed out. "There's platform nine, there's platform ten, and between them a solid wall! Maybe we should ask someone for help?"

"Great idea Mom, we'll just walk up to one of the guards and ask 'Excuse me, could you tell us where the secret fraction platform is? I need to catch the train for wizard school.'" Calvin said sarcastically. "They won't think we're crazy at all."

"Well we better think of something, your train leaves in just-"

"Hey look!" Calvin interrupted. "That boy has an owl!" He remembered seeing owls being sold in Diagon alley so it stood to reason this boy was a wizard. Calvin ran up to the boy, who had messy black hair, green eyes, and glasses. "Hi there!" he said. "That's a beautiful owl you have! Are you on your way to Hogwarts?"

"Thanks." replied the boy. "Yes, I am. Could you tell me-"

"Calvin how many times do I have to tell you not to rush off like that!" Mrs. Campbell said as she caught up. "Hello, young man. I don't suppose you could tell us how to find platform nine and three-quarters?"

"Sorry, I was just about to ask you." said the boy.

"This school really ought to give people clearer instructions." Mrs. Campbell sighed, "Where are your parents, anyway?"

"They're... dead." The boy replied. "I live with my aunt and uncle, but they... they were too busy to stay and see me off."

"Oh, I'm sorry." Mrs. Campbell said sympathetically. "Maybe you better stay with us until we find this platform. What's your name?"

"Harry, Harry Potter." he told them, looking as though he half expected to be mobbed when he mentioned his name.

"Hey! Did that woman over there just say something about muggles?" Calvin said. This time his mother managed to catch him by the neck of his shirt before he could run off.

The woman Calvin pointed out was a plump, friendly looking woman with flaming red hair. With her were four red haired boys, a small red haired girl, and an owl, which obviously did not have red hair.

"Now, what's the platform number?" The mother was asking her children as the Campbells and Harry slowly approached.

"Nine and three-quarters!" Replied the girl. "Mum, can't I go..."

"You're not old enough, Ginny, now be quiet. All right, Percy, you go first."

The eldest boy marched forward towards the barrier between platforms, but before he reached it a swarm of tourist's came by blocking everyone's view, by the time they'd moved on Percy had vanished.

"Fred you next." The woman said to one of the twins.

"I'm not Fred, I'm George," the boy told her. "Honestly, woman, you call yourself our mother? Can't you _tell_ I'm George?"

"Sorry, George, dear."

"Only joking, I am Fred." the boy said as he started off, his twin calling him to hurry up, then he was just gone.

The other twin was quick to disappear after him.

"Excuse me," said Mrs. Campbell.

"Hello dear, taking your boys to Hogwarts for the first time?" Said the woman. "It's my Ron's first year as well." she pointed to her youngest son.

"Well actually only this one is mine." Mrs. Campbell said pointing to Calvin. "We've just met this boy. The thing is none of us know how to get on to the platform."

"Not to worry," the woman said. "All you have to do is walk straight at the barrier between platforms nine and ten. Don't stop and don't be scared you'll crash into it, that's very important. Best do it at a bit of a run if you're-"

"Charge!" Yelled Calvin, running and practically leaping at the barrier, vanishing from sight.

"-Nervous..." Finished the woman.

"I don't know what I'm going to do with that little maniac." Mrs. Campbell sighed.

"Count your blessings he's not twins." said the woman patting her on the shoulder.


	4. What Is That?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing.

Calvin found himself on a crowded platform next to a scarlet steam engine. Above him was a sign that read Hogwarts Express, eleven o'clock. Aside from people the platform was packed with cats and owls, and one toad hopping around unattended, giving the impression that he was trying to avoid whomever he belonged to.

Before Calvin could take in anymore his mother came up behind him "Calvin! What did I tell you about running off like that!"

"Weren't you listening either?" asked Calvin.

A moment later Harry came on to the platform. "Thanks for your help. See you around." he said as he headed for the train.

Calvin was about to say goodbye when he was distracted by a thumping sound from his trunk "oops. almost forgot!" he said opening the lid, promptly being knocked across the platform by a furry orange missile. "Do you have to do that?"

"Fish gotta swim, bird's gotta fly, tiger's gotta pounce." Hobbes replied.

"I couldn't have animated a stupid care bear." Calvin grumbled to himself

"Calvin you better hurry onto the train if you actually want to go to this school!" Mrs. Campbell called.

Calvin and Hobbes rushed back over each grabbing an end of the trunk. "Goodbye." Mrs. Campbell said as they climbed aboard the train. "Try to stay out of trouble, and don't forget to write!"

"I'll write, but the trouble thing," Calvin said, "I can't make any promises. Bye Mom!"

"Bye!" added Hobbes as the train started off. They quickly hurried inside the train and started looking for seats.

They spent a while searching for a compartment with room, but it seemed they were all full, until they came to one that contained only two boys, whom Calvin recognized from earlier as Harry and Ron. Ron seemed to be showing Harry a comatose rat. "Hi again," Calvin said, opening the door and stepping in "Mind if we join you? These seem to be the only seats left on the train."

"What is that?" exclaimed Harry, staring at Hobbes, Ron was gaping silently.

"Oh yeah, you haven't met." said Calvin as they put down his trunk. "This is Hobbes, I made him out of a stuffed tiger when I was six, he's been my best friend ever since. Hobbes this is Harry and... Ron, wasn't it? I'm Calvin by the way."

"Nice to meet you both" Said Hobbes as he sat down.

"Is turning plush toys into walking talking animals a normal thing that wizard children do then?" asked Harry.

Ron shook his head, apparently unable to speak.

"Yeah, when Professor McGonagall came to tell me I was a wizard, she said she'd never seen anything like Hobbes." Calvin bragged.

"Err, impressive." said Harry who apparently didn't know what to make of the situation. Ron still said nothing.

"What's with you?" asked Hobbes. "That rat eat your tongue or something?"

"Blimey!" Said Ron finally. "I'm having an interesting day. First I meet _the_ Harry Potter, now this!"

" _The_ Harry Potter?" Calvin repeated. "Are you a celebrity Harry?"

"Well... sort of...I guess." replied Harry, who suddenly seemed very embarrassed.

"Sort of?" repeated Ron "There's no one in the wizarding world who doesn't know the name Harry Potter!"

"Why's that?" asked Calvin.

"Err, well, I only just learned about it myself" Harry said. "It's seem there was this dark wizard-"

"Darkest ever!" added Ron "Killed loads of people! Almost took over England!"

"And when I was a baby, he... killed my parents." Harry went on.

"Oh that's terrible!" said Calvin.

"Awful!" agreed Hobbes.

"And he tried to kill me, but for some reason no one understands, he couldn't." Harry explained "Instead he vanished, and all I got was this." he lifted his bangs to show a lightning bolt shaped scar.

"That's really cool!" said Calvin "Not the part about the murdered parents but... you know what I mean."

"It's nothing, really." Harry said "I can't even remember it. Until Hagrid told me, I didn't know anything about being a wizard or my parents or Voldemort-"

Ron interrupted with a loud gasp _"You said You-Know-Who's Name!"_ he said shocked and impressed. "I'd have thought you, of all people-"

"Who's Vol-" Calvin began, but before he could finish Ron interrupted.

"Don't you go saying it too! You-Know-Who, is that dark wizard who tried to kill Harry, and you're not supposed to say his name!"

"Why shouldn't we say his name?" asked Calvin "Is it like Bloody Mary or something?"

"Who's Bloody Mary?" asked Ron

"I guess wizards don't tell the same stories as muggles." Said Calvin "Bloody Mary's a ghost, if you stand in front of a mirror and say her name three times she comes and kills you."

"No, It's nothing like that." said Ron. "You're just not supposed to say it because... because..." Ron floundered, unable to verbalize why one shouldn't say the name.

"It scares the snot out of people?" guessed Hobbes.

"Yeah, that." Ron nodded.

"Calvin's name has that same effect on people from our hometown," Hobbes joked, "They all just call him The Noodle Incident Kid!"

"Noodle incident?" repeated Harry.

"Never mind, it's not important!" Calvin said quickly. "Hobbes it's been five years, when are you going to quit bringing that up?"

"When it stops being funny." replied the tiger.  
\--------------------------------------------------------------------------  
At about twelve-thirty a witch with a trolley full of sweets opened the compartment door "Anything off the cart, dears?" she asked

Calvin still had a little wizard money left over from his school supplies, but he'd let it in his trunk buried under all sorts of junk, so he couldn't buy anything. Ron blushed and mumbled something about bringing sandwiches. Harry, however, jumped up and bought practically the entire trolley.

"Hungry, are you?" asked Ron

"Starving." Harry replied biting into a pumpkin pasty.

Ron meanwhile had taken out and opened a package of unappetizing looking sandwiches. "She always forgets I don't like corned beef."

"Have a pasty." said Harry "You too, Calvin. Hobbes, do you eat?"

"Oh, he eats." said Calvin taking one of the pasties "In fact, if you don't stay on his good side, he might eat _you!_ "

"You're joking, right?" said Ron.

"Well I _could_ eat a person," said Hobbes, also grabbing a pasty, "But I haven't ever actually done it... _yet._ "

"What about Tommy Chesnutt?" asked Calvin.

"I spat him out when you weren't looking." Hobbes admitted, "He was so dirty."

Harry and Ron exchanged worried glances.

"Don't worry." Said Calvin, "He won't eat anyone... probably. He just likes reminding people that he _could._ "

"If you say so." Said Harry, though neither he or Ron seemed particularly reassured.

They all returned their attention to the sweets, devouring the pasties, cakes and candies.

"Say what are those chocolate frog things?" asked Calvin looking at the pile of sweets. "Are they real frogs? 'Cause that would be disgusting and awesome at the same time."

"No, just chocolate," Ron told him. "And they come with trading cards, famous witches and wizards. I've got about five hundred, I'm just missing Agrippa and Ptolemy."

Harry opened a frog and picked up the card, "That's odd," he said. "It says it's Albus Dumbledore, but the picture is blank."

"He must've popped out" said Ron "Wait a bit and he'll come back."

"You're right, here he comes now"

"The pictures move? Awesome!" declared Calvin.

"They don't move in the muggle world?" asked Ron.

"No, they don't." said Harry.

"Weird!"

By now Calvin, Hobbes and Ron were all looking at the frogs with great interest "Help yourselves." Harry told them.

They all started grabbing frogs "Whoa Harry check this out!" Calvin said looking at the card from his frog. "Harry Potter, the boy who lived!"

"Me?" exclaimed Harry, who suddenly seemed very embarrassed.

"Lucky you, that's a rare one." Said Ron.

"You'll have to autograph it for me later, Harry" Said Calvin.

Harry looked as though he might die.

Before long the frogs had been finished and Harry moved on to a bag of Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans.

"You want to be careful with those." Ron warned. "When they say every flavor, they _mean_ every flavor - you know, you get all the ordinary ones like chocolate and peppermint and marmalade, but then you can get spinach and liver and tripe. George reckons he had a bogey-flavored one once." he picked up a green bean and bit into it "Bleaaargh – see? Sprouts."

They had fun eating the beans, Calvin was both amused and disgusted when he got one that tasted like a dirty sock, and Hobbes was delighted to get a salmon flavored bean.

Then there was a knock at the door and in came a sad looking round faced boy "Sorry, but have you-" he broke off when he noticed Hobbes "W-what is that?"

"I'm a tiger, duh." Replied Hobbes. "You know, largest cat in the world, ferocious man-eating jungle beast, mandibles of death, all that. You can call me Hobbes."

The boy let out a terrified yelp and rushed out of the compartment.

"He was a bit jumpy." Said the tiger

"From now on let me introduce you." Said Calvin.

"Wonder what he wanted?" said Ron.

"I saw him earlier, saying he'd lost his toad." Said Harry. "Maybe he's still looking for it."

"Don't know why he'd bother, if I'd brought a toad I'd lose it as quick as I could. Mind you, I brought Scabbers, so I can't talk." said Ron looking down at the rat sleeping on his lap "He might have died and you wouldn't know the difference."

"Hmm" said Hobbes eyeing Scabbers thoughtfully. "He's not dead, but there's something... I can't quite put my finger on it. He doesn't smell quite right."

"How's a rat supposed to smell?" asked Ron.

"Don't get him started on smells." Calvin interjected. "He'll just start going on and on in made up words."

"I'm serious, there's something off about that rat." Hobbes insisted

"You're imagining things." Calvin told him. "Or maybe being around a lot of magic makes animals smell different, to other animals anyway."

"Maybe..." Hobbes conceded.

Just then the compartment door opened yet again and in walked a girl with bushy brown hair and large front teeth, already dressed in her school robes "Has anyone seen... What is that?"

Calvin sighed, getting tired of explaining, "That's Hobbes my tiger. I made him out of a plush toy."

"Hello." said Hobbes.

"Incredible!" said the girl "I've read about animated objects, making one is supposed to be very advanced magic. And you did it without even having gone to school yet?"

"Yeah, and I was only six at the time." Calvin bragged. "I didn't even know about magic yet."

" _Really?_ You must be-" she broke off. All while she was talking she'd been staring at Hobbes, but she'd glanced away just in time to see the boy she was just about to compliment was now balancing a licorice wand on the tip of his nose.

"A lot smarter than he looks." Hobbes finished for her. "He's either a mad genius, or just a lunatic who gets lucky and accidentally does something brilliant once in a while, no one's quite sure."

"Shut up flea brain!" Calvin told him.

The girl suddenly seemed quite eager to change the subject, "Yes... well, err... I'm Hermione Granger, by the way, who are you?"

"I'm Calvin Campbell. I also answer to 'Calvin The Bold', 'Calvin The Great', and 'Calvin, Boy... Of Destiny!'"

"Not that there's anyone dopey enough to call him any of those names." added Hobbes.

"I'm Ron Weasley." muttered Ron.

"Harry Potter." Harry said

"Are you really?" Hermione asked. "I know all about you, of course – I got a few extra books for background reading, and you're in _Modern Magical History_ and _The Rise and Fall of the Dark Arts_ and _Great Wizarding Events of the Twentieth Century_."

"Am I?" said Harry

"Goodness, didn't you know, I'd have found out everything I could if it was me," Hermione said. "Of course I'm just finding out about all this myself, no one in my family is magic at all. It was ever such a surprise when I got my letter, but I was ever so pleased of course. I've already learned all our course books by heart, I just hope it's enough. Well I better get back to helping Neville look for his toad, you haven't seen it have you?" They all shook their heads and she left.

"She's a bit much, isn't she?" said Calvin. "although I gotta agree with her on one thing, if I found out I was famous I'd find out all I could too."

"If you found out you were famous, you'd be crushed by the weight of your own swelled head." Hobbes told him.

Calvin glared at him.

"So.." said Harry who seemed to want to shift the conversation away from the topic of fame "Ron, what do your oldest brothers do now that they've left anyway?"

"Charlie's in Romania studying dragons, And Bill's in Africa doing something for Gringotts," Ron replied. "Did you hear about Gringotts? It's been all over the _Daily Prophet_ , But I don't suppose you get that with the Muggles – someone tried to rob a high security vault."

"Whoa." said Calvin.

"Really? What happened to them?" asked Harry

"Nothing, that's why it's such big news. They haven't been caught." Ron said. "My dad says it must have been a powerful Dark wizard to get round Gringotts, but they don't think they took anything, that's what's odd. 'Course, everyone gets scared when something like this happens in case You-Know-Who's behind it."

"Wait," said Calvin. "If they didn't catch him, and nothing was taken, how do they even know someone broke in?"

"Dunno," Ron answered, scratching his head. "I guess the goblins can just tell."

A moment later the door opened yet again, and in came a pale blonde boy, and a pair of gorilla-like boys on either side of him like bodyguards. "Is it true? They're saying all down the train- What is that?" the pale boy exclaimed

"I don't know about all down the train," said Hobbes. "But they've sure been saying that a lot in this compartment, and I'm getting kind of sick of hearing it! Is it not clear that I'm a tiger? Do the opposable thumbs and the ability to walk on two legs make it that hard to tell?"

"I think we're gonna be stuck answering that question for a while, buddy." Calvin told him, before tuning to the pale boy "This is Hobbes, he's a stuffed tiger that I animated."

"Why? Couldn't you think of a stupider use for magic?" sneered the boy.

"Why I oughta-" Calvin grumbled.

"Anyway I heard Harry Potter was in this compartment, I doubt that's you." said the boy before looking at Ron. "And you're obviously a Weasley," he said Weasley as though it were a kind of maggot. Finally his eyes fell on Harry. "So it must be you, then."

"Yes" replied Harry, eyeing the other two boys.

"Oh this is Crabbe and this is Goyle," said the pale boy.

"Say, Crabbe," interrupted Calvin before the boy could introduce himself. "Do you have a cousin or something in America by the name of Moe?"

"No, why?" replied Crabbe.

"The resemblance is uncanny!" Calvin told him "You have the same simian countenance, suggesting a heritage unusually rich in species diversity."

"What?" said Crabbe, not understanding a single word of that.

"That's exactly what Moe would say!" Calvin told him. "Tell me, do you have maladjusted antisocial tendencies as a product of your berserk pituitary gland?"

"What?" said Crabbe again.

"Amazing!" said Calvin.

" _Anyway!_ " Snapped the pale boy, who seemed very annoyed, not about his friend being insulted, but about being interrupted. "My name's Malfoy, Draco Malfoy."

"Do you always introduce yourself like James Bond?" asked Hobbes.

"Who?" asked Malfoy, who seemed annoyed that the tiger would even dare talk to him.

"I guess wizards don't get movies either." Said Calvin.

"So I take it you're a mudblood then?" sneered Draco "That explains the stench in here, I just thought it was your flea-ridden toy."

Hobbes growled and Ron's face turned red. "Why you-!"

"Shut up Weasley." Malfoy told him "Anyway, Potter, you'll soon find out that some wizarding families are much better than others, of course any pure-blood wizard is better than muggle-born trash. You don't want to go making friends with the wrong sort. I can help you there." He held out his hand for Harry to shake.

"I think I can tell the wrong sort for myself, thanks" Harry said, not shaking his hand.

Draco clearly didn't like that at all "I'd be careful if I were you Potter. Unless you're a bit politer you'll go the same way and your parents. They didn't know what was good for them, either. You hang around with this riffraff and it'll rub off on you."

Harry and Ron stood up, clearly angry "Say that again!" said Ron.

"Oh, you're going to fight us, are you?" sneered Malfoy.

"Unless you get out now" Harry replied.

"Harry, Ron, sit down." said Calvin, who'd been sitting unusually calm. "There's no need for us to fight them. That's what homicidal psycho jungle cats are for."

"Don't mind if I do!" said Hobbes, standing up and pushing past Harry and Ron to grab Draco by the front of his robes. "I wonder if pure blood wizards also taste better than everyone else?" the next thing anyone knew, Draco's head and a good chunk of his upper body had disappeared into Hobbes' mouth.

Crabbe and Goyle each let out a surprisingly high pitched scream, practically tripping over themselves as they fled.

After a moment Hobbes let Draco out of his mouth. "Just as I thought, you taste spoiled rotten! Now are you going to leave or am I gonna have to force myself to actually swallow you?"

Draco, it seemed, was too terrified to respond and simply ran.

"I think he got the message," Said Hobbes.

"Wicked!" declared Ron.

Just then Hermione came back "What _has_ been going on?"

"Some obnoxious bullies were giving us a hard time," Calvin told her. "So Hobbes showed one of them what a tiger looks like from the inside."

"Don't worry, he's fine." Hobbes added.

"You've been fighting? You'll be in trouble before we even get there!"

"I wouldn't exactly call it a fight." Said Calvin.

"Well, anyway you'd better hurry up and put your robes on, I've just been up to ask the conductor, and he says we're nearly there"

"Would you mind leaving while we change?" Ron scowled at her.

"All right – I only came in here because people outside are behaving very childishly, racing up and down the corridors," Hermione said "And you've got dirt on your nose, by the way, did you know?"

"I think she likes you, Ron!" Calvin said after she'd left.

"Shut up!" Ron replied, before turning to Harry "You've met Malfoy before?"

"We met in Diagon Alley," Harry explained as they all started changing "We both went in to get fitted for robes at the same time."

"I've heard of his family," Ron said. "They were some of the first to come back to our side after You-Know-Who disappeared. Said they'd been bewitched. My dad doesn't believe it. He said Malfoy's father didn't need an excuse to go over to the Dark Side."

"I don't know about his father," Said Calvin "but he's clearly no good. What was that he called me? Mudblood?"

"Mudblood's a really foul name for someone who is Muggle-born — you know, non-magic parents." Ron explained "There are some wizards who think they're better than everyone else because they're what people call pure-blood."

"That's horrible!" declared Calvin, angry.

Before the discussion could go any further they were interrupted by a voice echoing through the train. "We will be reaching Hogwarts in five minutes' time. Please leave your luggage on the train, it will be taken to the school separately."

The three humans suddenly felt very nervous, and Hobbes said "Don't even _think_ about leaving me here with the trunks Calvin!"


	5. The Sorting Hat Incident

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: You know what? I think you get the idea by now.

When the train finally stopped they got out onto a small dark platform, crowded with students. Then Calvin saw the biggest, hairiest man he'd ever seen holding a lantern and calling out "Firs' years! Firs' years over here! All right there, Harry?" Calvin recognized him from a description Harry had given him as Hagrid. "C'mon, follow me – any more firs' years? Mind yer step, now! Firs' years follow me!"

They followed him down a steep narrow path. Somewhere along the way Calvin and Hobbes got separated from Harry and Ron in the crowd.

"Yeh'll get yer firs' sight o' Hogwarts in a sec," Hagrid announced. "Just round this bend here."

There was a loud "Oooooh!" as the students saw the massive castle, perched on a mountain across a vast black lake.

Hagrid pointed to a fleet of small boats at the edge of the lake. "No more'n four to a boat!"

Calvin and Hobbes ended up with a boat to themselves, several students going out of their way to avoid the strange tiger like creature. Calvin saw that in the boat directly next to theirs was Harry, Ron Hermione, and Neville the toadless boy.

"Everyone in?" Hagrid shouted from his own boat "Right then – FORWARD!" and the boats started off all by themselves.

Everyone was silent as they crossed the lake, everyone that is, except for Calvin, who was standing with one foot on the bow, shouting. "Batten the hatches! Trim the mainsail! Swab the poop deck! Call me Ishmael!"

"Uh, Ishmael," said Hobbes. "This boat doesn't have hatches, a mainsail, or a poop deck."

"Silence this mutinous talk, or you'll walk the plank!" Calvin told him.

"No plank, either." Hobbes replied.

"Is he always like this?" Hermione called over in a disapproving tone.

"No," Hobbes answered back. "Usually he thinks he's a spaceman, or a dinosaur."

"Heads down!" Hagrid shouted as they sailed up to a cliff, through a curtain of ivy, into an underground harbor.

"Land ho!" Shouted Calvin as they docked. "All ashore, landlubbers!"

"Do join us in reality, won't you?" said Hermione as they climbed out of the boats.

"Reality is subjective." Calvin informed her.

"It is not!" Hermione told him. "Reality is _objective_ fact!"

"Oh really? Consider this," replied Calvin. "For billions of people the reality is that magic only exists in fairy tales, whereas for us, not only is magic real, we are now attending the school where they teach it. See? Subjective."

Hermione apparently had no counterargument for this, which judging by the look on her face, did _not_ make her happy, which seemed to amuse Ron greatly.

"Settle down, Settle down." said Hagrid, who up to that point had been busy returning Neville's lost toad. He led them up a passageway in the rock, to the front of the castle and up a flight of stone steps to a huge oak door. "Everyone here? You there, still got yer toad?" and he knocked three times on the door.

The door opened and there stood Professor McGonagall.

"The firs' years, Professor McGonagall." said Hagrid.

"Thank you, Hagrid. I will take them from here."

"Hi, Professor!" Calvin shouted, waving.

"Hello again, Mr. Campbell." replied Professor McGonagall, who suddenly looked as though she had a headache. "Please be quiet and follow me, all of you." She led them inside, though the enormous entrance hall, to a much smaller room where they had to stand very close to each other.

"Welcome to Hogwarts," Professor McGonagall announced. "The start-of-term banquet will begin shortly, but before you take your seats in the Great Hall, you will be sorted into your Houses. The Sorting is a very important ceremony because, while you are here, your House will be something like your family within Hogwarts. You will have classes with the rest of your House, sleep in your house dormitory, and spend free time in your House common room."

"The four Houses are called Gryffindor, Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw, and Slytherin. Each House has its own noble history and each has produced outstanding witches and wizards. While you are at Hogwarts, your triumphs will earn your House points, while any rule-breaking will lose House points. At the end of the year, the house with the most points is awarded the House Cup, a great honor. I hope each of you will be a credit to whichever house becomes yours."

"The Sorting Ceremony will take place in a few minutes in front of the rest of the school. I suggest you all smarten yourselves up as much as you can while you are waiting."

At this several students started trying to make themselves look a bit neater. Calvin happened to catch a glimpse of Draco Malfoy, and noticed with glee that he was having some trouble with tiger drool in his hair.

"I shall return when we are ready for you," Professor McGonagall told them. "Please wait quietly."

Once she left nearly everyone started whispering, Harry was asking Ron how the sorting worked, while Hermione was going on about spells she'd learned. Then everyone started screaming and gasping as a crowd of ghosts came floating through the wall. Two of them, a friar and a man in a ruff were arguing about someone called Peeves, until the one in the ruff noticed the students. "I say, what are you all doing here?"

"New students!" said the Fat Friar. About to be sorted I suppose? Hope to see you in Hufflepuff! My old House, you know."

Just then professor McGonagall came back "Move along now, the Sorting ceremony's about to start." she told the ghosts who floated out, to the student she said "Now, form a line, and follow me."

Calvin ended up in line behind Ron, with Hobbes behind him, of course, and they followed Professor McGonagall back to the entrance hall, then through a set of double doors, into the great hall. It was a huge amazing room, candles floated in midair, students sat at four long tables set with golden dishes, the teachers sat at a fifth table, most interesting of all, there appeared to be no ceiling. A few people in front of Calvin, Hermione was whispering about something she'd read, but he didn't catch what. Professor McGonagall led them up in front of the staff table, then placed before them a stool, sitting on which was very dirty, patched up wizard's hat.

This hat twitched and a rip near its brim opened wide like a mouth and started to sing.

_"Oh you may not think I'm pretty,_

_But don't judge on what you see,_

_I'll eat myself if you can find_

_A smarter hat than me._

_You can keep your bowlers black,_

_Your top hats sleek and tall,_

_For I'm the Hogwarts Sorting Hat_

_And I can cap them all._

_There's nothing hidden in your head_

_The Sorting Hat can't see,_

_So try me on and I will tell you_

_Where you ought to be._

_You might belong in Gryffindor,_

_Where dwell the brave at heart,_

_Their daring, nerve, and chivalry_

_Set Gryffindors apart;_

_You might belong in Hufflepuff,_

_Where they are just and loyal,_

_Those patient Hufflepuffs are true_

_And unafraid of toil;_

_Or yet in wise old Ravenclaw,_

_if you've a ready mind,_

_Where those of wit and learning,_

_Will always find their kind;_

_Or perhaps in Slytherin_

_You'll make your real friends,_

_Those cunning folks use any means_

_To achieve their ends._

_So put me on! Don't be afraid!_

_And don't get in a flap!_

_You're in safe hands (though I have none)_

_For I'm a Thinking Cap!"_

"When I call your name, you will put on the hat and sit on the stool to be sorted." Announced Professor McGonagall before she started reading off a list of names.

Calvin waited and watched as several students were sorted before the Professor finally called out "Campbell, Calvin!"

Calvin somewhat nervously stepped up to the stool and put on the hat "My, my," Said a tiny voice in his ear "A most fascinating, complex mind! It won't be easy deciding where to put you. Well, we can rule out Hufflepuff, hard-working is not a term anyone would ever apply to you. Trouble is you'd be a good fit anywhere else. Hmm, a good amount of cunning, and a great deal of ambition in you, perhaps Slytherin? On second thought, that's a bad idea. You have a distinct lack of tolerance for some of the darker aspects of human nature, I'd give you about five minutes listening to some of those pure-bloods talk about their alleged superiority before you declared an all out war! And it's quite clear you're already going to cause enough trouble all on your own."

_I resent that remark!_ Calvin thought. _I don't deny it, but I resent it!_

"There's a certain brilliance to you," the hat went on. "and a lot of creativity, you could do well in Ravenclaw. But on the other hand, despite your intelligence you seem utterly apathetic to the concept of education, so maybe not. Gryffindor, then? You have a fearless, daredevil quality about you, inclined towards adventure, but it's debatable whether that's bravery or just recklessness and insanity. Tough one, tough one."

By now Calvin had been wearing the hat longer than anyone before him had, and he got the distinct impression that a great many people were staring at him somewhat impatiently.

"Well, it's either Ravenclaw or Gryffindor," said the hat "I don't suppose you have a preference?"

_Let me make sure I understand this,_ Calvin thought at the hat. _Ravenclaw is for bookworms and Gryffindor is for thrill-seekers?_

"An extremely oversimplified but not totally inaccurate way of looking at it."

_Sounds like Gryffindors have more fun, sign me up!_

"Alright then!" the hat said before shouting for all to hear, "Gryffindor!"

There was some applause from the Gryffindor table, which was cut short when Hobbes took the hat and pushed Calvin off the stool saying, "Now me! Now me!"

"Ow! You dummy! You're not a student, you don't need to be sorted!" Calvin said as he got up from the floor

"See here!" Said the hat from atop Hobbes' head. "The boy is quite right! You are not a wizard, you are an enchanted teddy bear. Now kindly unhand me so the Sorting can continue!"

"Oh no!" said Calvin, who quickly snatched the hat away from Hobbes and gave it back to Professor McGonagall. "I'm very sorry about this."

"What did you call me?" growled Hobbes.

"I'm sure he didn't mean anything by it, Hobbes." Calvin said, grabbing the tiger by the arm and pulling with all his might determined to get Hobbes far away from the hat. "Let's just go sit down, and stop making a scene!"

"Say that again! You glorified dunce cap!" Hobbes roared, swiping at the air in front of the hat with his free arm.

"Sorry! Sorry!" Calvin shouted. "He just hates being called a teddy bear!"

"Lunatics! The both of them!" Shouted the hat as Professor McGonagall did her best to hold it out of reach.

By now the whole great hall was in an uproar, some of the students seemed to find this whole thing funny, others seemed angry, but most were confused and frightened. The staff were giving each other looks that said "We should be doing something!" but none of them seemed to know what to do.

Hobbes had wrenched his arm away from Calvin, who was now furiously tugging on his tail instead "Call me 'bear' again! I dare you!" the tiger yelled.

"Hobbes stop it! Leave the hat alone!" Calvin shouted to no avail.

"Lemme at him! Lemme at him!" Hobbes demanded

"Hobbes I swear, if you don't stop this and come sit down right now, I will lock you back in my trunk, until I learn how to turn you back into an ordinary plush toy, permanently!"

That got Hobbes' attention. "You're bluffing!"

"Maybe," replied Calvin, who of course _was_ bluffing. "You want to risk it?"

"All right, all right." Hobbes grumbled, glaring at the hat as Calvin practically dragged him towards the Gryffindor table.

"Sorry! Sorry!" Calvin shouted on more time, more quietly he said "Thanks a lot Hobbes! Now the whole school will think I'm a total freak!"

"Oh, and you wanted them to think that based on your own deranged behavior?" the tiger sassed.

As they approached the table Calvin couldn't help noticing that many of the Gryffindors did not seem happy he was put in their house. One boy, whom he recognized for the train station as Percy, the eldest Weasley, now wearing a badge that designated him a prefect, seemed particularly displeased. "I hope you're proud of yourselves! That was the most embarrassing thing to happen at any Sorting since Angus Buchanan!"

Calvin didn't know who Angus Buchanan was, but before he could ask the Weasley twins, who contrary to Percy seemed to find the incident extremely amusing, jumped up and started shaking Calvin and Hobbes by the hand.

"Congratulations!" said one, though Calvin wasn't sure which.

"Well done!" said the other

"Our first year we didn't do anything to cause _that_ big a stir until we'd been here at least two days!" said the first.

"I'm Fred Weasley, and this George" said the second before turning to his twin "Or are _you_ Fred and _I'm_ George?"

"I thought _you_ were keeping track." said the first before turning back to Calvin "Either way we're Fred and George. Welcome to Gryffindor!"

"Thanks." Said Calvin as he sat down, glad to know not everyone was mad at him. "I'm Calvin, and this is Hobbes."

"Nice to meet you." added Hobbes. "When you figure out which of you is which, be sure to let us know."

Meanwhile the ruckus caused by Hobbes' stunt had not died down, many of the students were still shouting about what had happened, until a man at the staff table that Calvin recognized from the chocolate frog card Harry had got as Albus Dumbledore, stood up, with his wand pointed towards his throat, and said in an incredibly loud voice, but a surprisingly calm tone, "Let the sorting continue."

The noise immediately died down and Professor McGonagall went back to reading out the names. A couple of names after Calvin, "Crabbe, Vincent!" was put in Slytherin, a few students later, so was "Goyle, Gregory!"

Just after Goyle, Professor McGonagall called out, "Granger, Hermione!"

The hat seemed to have to think about her, though not for a long as it had Calvin, it was almost four minutes before it shouted out, "Gryffindor!"

Hermione seemed pleased, although she did give Calvin and Hobbes an accusatory glance as she walked past to sit next to Percy.

Soon after that came "Longbottom, Neville!"

Again the hat took a few minutes, and all the while Neville looked as though he were having an argument, and losing. When the hat finally shouted "Gryffindor!" Neville forgot to take it off before heading for the table, and had to bring it back while people laughed.

A few more students were sorted, the Professor McGonagall called, "Malfoy, Draco!"

The hat took about a millisecond to shout out "Slytherin!"

As Draco strutted toward the Slytherin table, Calvin knew the hat had been right, putting him in Slytherin would have caused nothing but trouble.

It was some time later that McGonagall finally got to "Potter, Harry!"

The hall suddenly filled with whispers, everyone stared, eager to see where the famous Harry Potter would end up.

Again the hat took it's time. Harry looked downright terrified, as though his life hung in the balance. Finally the hat shouted "Gryffindor!"

Harry of course got the loudest cheer yet. The twins were screaming, "We got Potter! We got Potter!" Percy jumped up to shake his hand.

"Way to go Harry!" Calvin cheered, hoping the thrill of getting Harry in their house would make the other Gryffindors forget the embarrassment he and Hobbes had caused.

Two more students went before Ron, looking rather green, put on the hat. The hat didn't seem to have to think about it at all before shouting, "Gryffindor!"

Calvin and Harry clapped with everyone else as Percy congratulated Ron. Meanwhile the last boy in line was sorted into Slytherin and Professor McGonagall took the hat away.

Dumbledore got to his feet beaming. "Welcome! Welcome to a new year at Hogwarts! Before we begin our banquet, I would like to say a few words. And here they are: Nitwit! Blubber! Oddment! Tweak! Thank you!" he sat down.

Calvin chuckled. "He's got a way with words!"

"Is he - a bit mad?" asked Harry

"Mad?" repeated Percy "He's a genius! Best wizard in the world! But he is a bit mad, yes."

"He seems perfectly sane to me." said Calvin as he started piling his plate with food that had just appeared out of nowhere.

"High praise, indeed." Said Hermione with just a bit of sarcasm.

"I've seen so much food in one place!" said Hobbes piling up his plate "I think I'm gonna like it here!"

"It does look good, doesn't it?" said the ghost with the ruff who was seated on the other side of the table, looking sadly at the food.

"Can't you-?" began Harry

"I haven't eaten for nearly five hundred years." said the ghost. "I don't need to, of course, but one does miss it. I don't think I've introduced myself? Sir Nicholas de Mimsy-Porpington at your service. Resident ghost of Gryffindor Tower."

Calvin couldn't help but snicker at the name 'Mimsy-Porpington'.

"I know who you are!" Ron said. "My brothers told me about you – you're Nearly Headless Nick!"

"I would prefer you to call me Sir-"

" _Nearly_ Headless? What does that even mean?" interrupted Calvin.

"It means this." Nick pulled his left ear and his whole head fell off his neck onto his shoulder, held on by a flap of ghostly flesh.

"Cool!" declared Calvin.

"No not 'Cool', young man!" replied the ghost irritably. "How would you like to take forty-five whacks in the neck from a blunt axe, and still not be properly decapitated?"

"It's probably a personal thing," replied Calvin "But for me I think the painful execution would be the more upsetting part of that. What did you do to get yourself beheaded anyway?"

Nick's cheeks turned a slightly darker shade of silver "It was a mistake that anyone could have made," he said. "At the time I was part of the court of, King Henry VII, I was trying to straighten the teeth of one of the ladies-in waiting, but the spell went wrong, and she sort of... sprouted a tusk."

Calvin laughed "that's hilarious!"

"She didn't seem to think so, and neither did King Henry." said Nick who suddenly seemed quite keen on changing the subject "So... I hope all you new Gryffindors will help us win the House Cup this year. Slytherin's won six year in a row now! The Bloody Baron, that's the Slytherin ghost," he nodded toward a mean looking ghost at the Slytherin table, covered in silver stains. "Is becoming insufferable!"

"Why's he all bloody?" asked Calvin.

"I've never asked."

About this time they finished the main course, and the remaining food vanished to be replaced by a variety of desserts.

As Calvin piled his plate high with just about everything the other students started discussing their families.

A boy named Seamus told how his mother shocked his father by revealing she was a witch. And Neville told how his family had been so desperate to coax some magic out of him that his uncle had dropped him out a window and he'd bounced.

Hermione was discussing lessons with Percy. Then Harry suddenly grabbed at his forehead and said "Ouch!"

"You alright, Harry?" asked Calvin.

"I'm fine." Harry told him. "Percy, who's that teacher talking to Professor Quirrell?"

"Oh, You know Quirrell already, do you?" said Percy. "No wonder he's looking so nervous, that's Professor Snape. He teaches potions, but he doesn't want to – everyone knows he's after Quirrell's job. Knows an awful lot about the Dark Arts, Snape."

Calvin looked over at the Professors they were talking about, a scared looking man in a purple turban, and a pale frightening man with greasy hair and black robes. "Snape, I take is the one who looks like he sleeps in a coffin?"

"That's the one!" chuckled one of the twins, Calvin still wasn't sure which.

"Used to be rumors he was a vampire-" Added the other.

"-But we put those to rest when we filled his entire office with garlic, and all it did was make him angry-"

"-And smelly!"

"I like the way you two think!" Calvin told them.

Now the desserts vanished too, and Professor Dumbledore stood up again "Ahem – just a few more words now that we are all fed and watered. I have a few start-of-term notices to give you. First years should note that the forest on the grounds is forbidden to all pupils And a few of our older students would do well to remember that as well." He looked directly at Fred and George "I have also been asked by Mr. Filch, the caretaker, to remind you all that no magic should be used between classes in the corridors. Quidditch trials will be held in the second week of term. Anyone interested in playing for their House teams should contact Madam Hooch. And finally, I must tell you that this year, the third-floor corridor on the right-hand side is out of bounds to everyone who does not wish to die a very painful death."

"Question!" shouted Calvin "What if, hypothetically, we're okay with dying a very painful death?"

There was some laughter at this. Dumbledore's smile never wavered. "I would, hypothetically, recommend that you do not enter that corridor anyway. And now, before we go to bed, let us sing the school song!" he flicked his wand and a golden ribbon flew out of it, rising high and twisting into words. "Everyone pick their favorite tune, and off we go!"

And everyone started to sing:

_"Hogwarts, Hogwarts, Hoggy Warty Hogwarts,_

_Teach us something please,_

_Whether we be old and bald,_

_Or young with scabby knees,_

_Our heads could do with filling,_

_With some interesting stuff,_

_For now they're bare and full of air,_

_Dead flies and bits of fluff,_

_So teach us things worth knowing,_

_Bring back what we've forgot,_

_Just do your best, we'll do the rest,_

_And learn until our brains all rot."_

Calvin and Hobbes each sang to a tune they'd made up themselves. Calvin the Calvinball theme song, and Hobbes the G.R.O.S.S. Club anthem.

Eventually only the Weasley twins were left singing to a funeral march, when they finished Dumbledore clapped loudly and wiped his eyes "Ah, music, a magic beyond all we do here! And now, bedtime. Off you trot!"

Percy led the first years out of the Great Hall and up the stairs. Many of the other students seemed to be getting sleepy, but despite the long day, Calvin was far too excited to be tired. "Hey Hobbes, check it out!" he said quietly as he noticed several portraits pointing and whispering. "The paintings don't just move, they talk!"

They'd walked all the way to the seventh floor when they came to a stop. A bunch of canes were floating through the air before them.

"Peeves, a poltergeist." Percy explained. "Peeves – show yourself."

The only reply was the sound of some unseen person blowing a raspberry.

"Do you want me to go to the Bloody Baron?" asked Percy.

With a pop a mischievous looking little man appeared in midair, holding the canes. "Oooooooh! Ickle Firsties! What fun!" he cackled swooping at them.

"Go away, Peeves, or the Baron'll hear about this, I mean it!" barked Percy.

Peeves stuck his tongue out and dropped the canes on Neville's head then vanished.

"You want to watch out for Peeves," Percy said as they started moving again. "The Bloody Baron's the only one who can control him, he won't even listen to us prefects. Here we are."

They'd stopped in front of a large portrait of a fat lady in a pink silk dress "Password?" she said.

"Caput Draconis." Percy replied and the painting swung open like a door revealing a round hole in the wall, which they all had to crawl through, into a cozy round room, decorated in shades of red and gold, full of squashy armchairs. Percy pointed the girls through a door to their dormitory, and the boys through another to theirs. At the top of a spiral staircase they found several four-poster beds with red curtains, and their trunks already waiting for them.

The boys all changed into their pajamas and got into bed. Calvin and Hobbes, being the only two who were more excited than tired stayed up whispering, until Ron exclaimed "Oy! If you two don't pipe down I'll put a Slug-vomiting Charm on the both of you!"

"Slug-vomiting Charm?" repeated Calvin. "Alright, we'll be quiet, but later on you've got to teach me that!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Note: For those of you who have not read the various extra content J.K. Rowling has posted(what's wrong with you?), and might be wondering, Angus Buchanan was a squib who forged an acceptance letter to Hogwarts and made it all the way to the Sorting before the hat outed him. The incident was considered mortifying, but probably not as mortifying as what Hobbes did!


	6. Week One

“Face it, mates, we're lost.” Ron Said the next morning as he, Harry and Calvin tried to find their way to class the next morning.

Hogwarts was like a maze, a maze where everything was constantly moving around you, staircases, portraits, suits of armor, none of it stood still. Not to mention the ridiculous things you had to do to make some of the doors open, assuming they were doors, not just walls pretending.

“Ha! The word 'lost' isn't even in my vocabulary!” Calvin told him.

“If we're not lost, then where are we?” asked Harry.

“Obviously we are _here._ ” Calvin replied. “But just now, I'm a tiny bit fuzzy on where everyplace else is.”

“Oh, that's a big help!” said Ron sarcastically.

“Let's try that door there.” suggested Harry.

But the door Harry pointed out wouldn't open, no matter how hard they pushed or pulled on it.

“Please open up?” Ron tried, but that didn't work either.

“Maybe it's one of the ones you have to tickle.” said Calvin. “Man, this place is weird!”

Calvin and Ron started tickling the door all over while Harry kept fussing with the knob. About then Mr. Filch showed up, along with his cat Mrs. Norris. “What's this? Trying to get into the forbidden corridor, are we?”

Mrs. Norris gave a disapproving hiss

“Forbidden corridor?” Harry repeated quickly letting go of the doorknob.

“Wait, we're on the third floor then?” said Calvin “I thought this was the fifth floor!”

“We're a bit lost.” explained Ron.

“A likely story!” sneered Filch.

“No really! We were just trying to find our way to class!” Harry told him.

“Save your excuses!” Filch snapped. “I ought to lock the tree of you in the dungeons!”

Luckily Professor Quirrell happened by “W-whats g-going on here?”

“Nothing you need to concern yourself with,” Filch replied. “I've just caught these troublemakers trying to break into the forbidden corridor.”

“We didn't mean to!” Calvin shouted. “we just had the wrong door!”

“We're having a bit of trouble finding our way to class.” Harry added.

“No one's interested in your lies, you little-”

“N-now Argus,” Quirrell interrupted. “It is v-very easy t-to get l-lost around here , and it is their f-first d-d-day. Th-they probably just made m-mistake. B-best let them g-g-go.”

“Fine.” grumbled Filch. “But I better not catch any of you here again.” and he walked off muttering to Mrs. Norris .

“Thanks Professor.” said Harry. “I don't suppose you could tell us where the History of Magic classroom is?”

“S-sorry, I still g-get lost on the w-way to m-my own c-classroom, s-sometimes.”  
\--------------------------------------------------------------------------  
Eventually they did find their way to History of Magic class, which was _not_ a subject Calvin was looking forward to, but he perked up a bit when Professor Binns floated in through the blackboard.

 _Hmm a ghost teacher, maybe this won't be so bad after all._  
\--------------------------------------------------------------------------  
_Spaceman Spiff has been trapped in the lair of the dreaded Boredull Beast from the planet Tedium Four, a creature which produces a constant droning sound that causes its prey to slip into a coma before it devours them. Our hero does his best to resist the effects, but he, along with the other lifeforms the beast has lured into its lair, is slowly succumbing._

_Only one lifeform seems immune to the beasts droning, a rare variety of Gurl from planet Nagginerd. Why is this creature unaffected? Spiff realizes the answer to this question may hold the key to saving himself and the others. For the greater good he must dissect the Gurl to discover the source of its immunity._

_Setting his laser to 'fine beam' our hero prepares to-_

“Calvin! Stop pointing your wand at me right now, before I tell Professor Binns!” Hermione hissed.  
\--------------------------------------------------------------------------  
The first Transfiguration lesson was far more interesting.

“Transfiguration is some of the most complex and dangerous magic you will learn at Hogwarts, anyone caught messing around in my class will leave and not come back. You have been warned.” Professor McGonagall told them, and Calvin couldn't help noticing she'd looked directly at him.

Then she turned her desk into a pig and back again.

“Cool! Let me try!” declared Calvin pointing his wand at he own desk.

“Not so fast Mr. Campbell!” said Professor McGonagall sternly. “It will be sometime before any of you are ready for something so advanced. Today you will be learning to turn a match into a needle.” she then proceeded to give a short but complex lecture on how this was done, then started passing out matches.

Calvin, having some experience with turning things into other things, had very little trouble with this. At the end of class he and Hermione were the only ones who had successfully transfigured their match. Hermione did not seem especially pleased to be sharing the accomplishment with a boy she had come to regard as deranged, immature, and just plain silly.  
\--------------------------------------------------------------------------  
On Friday they had a double Potions class with the Slytherins. If Calvin had thought Professor Snape looked unpleasant from a distance in the Great Hall, it was nothing compared to being up close to him in the dungeons. Things started to go bad at roll call, Snape paused when he got to Calvin's name. “Ah, yes, the boy with the tiger. That was quite a stir you caused at the Start-of-Term banquet.”

“It wasn't _my_ fault! Hobbes has a mind of his own! I tried to stop him!”

Snape ignored this. “Know that such incidents will not be tolerated in my class. And that I will be keeping a close eye on you.”

“Keep two eyes on me, they're small,” Calvin suggested. “And beady.” from all he'd heard and what little he'd seen of the Potions master, Calvin could tell already that he and Professor Snape were not going to get along, and he wasn't going to waste time trying.

“Five points from Gryffindor for your cheek!” Snape declared. “Perhaps I have not made myself clear, I will not tolerate any shenanigans or insolence in my classroom. Is that understood?”

“Jawohl, mein Führer!”

“What did you just say to me?” Snarled Snape.

“I said 'Yes my leader!',” Calvin responded in a tone usually reserved for explaining things to very dimwitted people. “Except I said it in German, the implication being that you remind me of a fascist dictator.”

“Another five points from Gryffindor!” Snape snapped. “That's ten points you've lost your house already. Would you care to try for fifteen?”

“No thanks, maybe later.” replied Calvin casually.

Snape, it seemed, needed a second to decide whether that was cheeky enough to warrant taking more house points, ultimately deciding he'd rather end this conversation, and go back to taking attendance. He paused again at Harry's name. “Ah, yes,” he said again. “Harry Potter. Our new – _celebrity_.”

There was some snickering from Draco and his friends. Calvin wondered if he'd missed a joke somewhere in that statement.

Snape finished the role call and started lecturing. “You are here to learn the subtle science and exact art of potion making, as there is little foolish wand-waving here, many of you will hardly believe this is magic. I don't expect you will really understand the beauty of the softly simmering cauldron with its shimmering fumes, the delicate power of liquids that creep through human veins, bewitching the mind, ensnaring the senses.... I can teach you how to bottle fame, brew glory, even stopper death – if you aren't as big a bunch of dunderheads as I usually have to teach.”

“Potter!” he said suddenly, “What would I get if I added powdered root of asphodel to an infusion of wormwood?”

Before Harry could say that he didn't know, Calvin burst out laughing.

“Mr. Campbell, would you care to share the joke with the rest of the class?” Asked Snape.

“I don't think you'll think it's funny.” Calvin told him.

“Try me.” replied Snape

“Well, Wormwood was the name of my first grade teacher, and I just imagined you trying to stuff her in a cauldron.”

“You're right, I _don't_ think that's funny.” Said Snape “Five more points from Gryffindor! Now since you seemed even more determined than the famous Mr. Potter to be the center of attention, I'll ask you, what would I get?”

“I don't know.” Calvin answered. “Also, I didn't notice Harry trying to be the center of attention.”

“Potter what about you?” asked Snape.

“I didn't notice myself trying to be the center of attention either, sir.” Harry told him. Calvin's attitude was apparently catching.

“I take it then that you don't know either. And that's five points from Gryffindor for your insolence.” Snape declared.

All this time Hermione had had her hand up, but Snape ignored her and moved on to a new question. “Let's try again. Can either of you tell me, where would you look if I asked you to find a bezoar?”

Neither boy knew and again Snape ignored Hermione's raised hand “Thought you wouldn't open a book before coming, eh?”

“Open, yes. Memorize, no.” replied Calvin.

“That's another five points! If you keep going at this rate, Campbell, Gryffindor will be in the negatives before the lesson is half over! I'll give you two one more chance, what's the difference between monkshood and wolfsbane?”

“Oh, I know that one!” Declared Calvin. He hadn't found _One Thousand Magical Herbs and Fungi_ particularly interesting, but fortunately some time ago he'd watched (without his parents permission) a monster movie which had motivated him to learn all about werewolf repellents, including wolfsbane. “There is no difference, it's just two different names for the same plant.”

“That's... correct.” Snape sounded surprised and disappointed. “And can you tell me what other name it goes by?”

“Aconite.” Calvin told him. “Latin name, _Aconitum napellus_.”

“Correct.” Snape said reluctantly. “Now, for your information asphodel and wormwood make a sleeping potion so powerful it's known as the Draught of Living Death. And a bezoar is a stone taken from the stomach of a goat and it will save you from most poisons. Well? Why aren't you all copying that down?”

For the rest of class Snape seemed to be at war with himself over who to be the meanest too, Harry, who he seemed to hate for mysterious and complex reasons that he would die before revealing, or Calvin, who was doing so much more to deserve his loathing. He didn't miss a chance to berate or dock points from either one of them.

He'd split the class up into pairs to work a potion to cure boils, he put Harry and Calvin together, most likely to make it more convenient to abuse them both. Ron to his great displeasure had been paired with Hermione. About halfway through class Neville and Seamus's cauldron suddenly melted spilling their potion everywhere, causing everyone to have to jump up on their stools when it started burning holes in their shoes. Neville was completely soaked and started sprouting angry red boils all over and moaning in pain.

“Idiot boy!” Snape growled as he magically cleaned up the mess. “I suppose you added the porcupine quills before taking the cauldron off the fire?”

Neville just whimpered in reply.

“Take him to the hospital wing,” Snape told Seamus before whirling around to face Calvin and Harry who'd been working next to Neville. “Why didn't either of you tell him not to add the quills? Thought he'd make you look good if he got it wrong, did you?”

“Hey since when are we Neville's keepers?” Calvin snapped back. “We were working on our own potion! Last time I checked _you_ were supposed to be teaching the class, not us, so maybe _you_ should have told him!”

“I have had enough out of you, Campbell!” Snape spat. “Not only will five more points be taken from Gryffindor, but you will be spending tomorrow in detention! Any more smart remarks?”

At this point Harry wisely clapped a hand around Calvin's mouth and said. “No sir.”  
\--------------------------------------------------------------------------  
Later on when they were leaving class Calvin was knocked to the ground by Hobbes pouncing on him, and Harry and Ron unfortunately got caught in the line of fire. “Man, I thought you'd never get out of that class!”

“Sorry about this guys.” Calvin groaned. “There's just no stopping him.”

“So how shall we spend the afternoon?” Hobbes asked.

“Hobbes, would you let us up, please?” said Harry “I've got to get to Hagrid's for tea.”

“That sounds nice.” Hobbes said as he got off of them. “Think he'd mind if we tagged along?”

“Er, well, he mentioned cats make him sneeze” Harry said as he picked himself up “I'm not sure if that applies to tigers, as well.”

“Doesn't matter,” Calvin told him as he dusted himself off “Underneath all the magic I did to him, I”m pretty sure Hobbes is still just made of fabric and stuffing, unless Hagrid's also allergic to polyester it should be fine.”

“In that case I'm sure he'd love to meet you all, especially Hobbes, he's quite keen on animals.”

All four of them left the castle and walked across the grounds to Hagrid's hut. Hagrid was indeed pleased to have them all, although his boarhound Fang and Hobbes didn't warm up to each other right away. Fang not knowing what to make of this strange creature and Hobbes being somewhat nervous around dogs since the time he'd been dragged away by one.

Hagrid served the tea and some rock cakes that seemed to be made with real rocks, and the boys told him all about their first week.

“That old git.” Hagrid said when they mentioned their encounter with Filch “An' as fer that cat, Mrs. Norris, I'd like ter introduce her to Fang sometime. D'yeh know, every time I go up ter the school, she follows me everywhere? Can't get rid of her – Filch puts her up to it.”

“They won't leave me alone, either.” declared Hobbes, who'd spent quite a bit of time exploring the castle while Calvin was in class and had several unpleasant encounters with both the caretaker and his cat. “Show me where in the school rules it says tigers aren't allowed to roam the corridors.”

They went on to talk about the Potions class and hatred Snape had for them. “I wouldn't worry about that,” Hagrid told them. “Snape doesn't like anybody.”

“But he seemed to really _hate_ me.” Harry said.

“Rubbish! Why should he?” Hagrid did not look Harry in the eye as he said this.

“Well he definitely hates me.” Calvin said. “But I have that effect on a lot of teachers.”

Hagrid seemed to want to change the subject. He turned to Ron and asked “How's yer brother Charlie? I liked him a lot - great with animals.”

Ron talked for a while about Charlie's work with dragons, which both Hagrid and Calvin found fascinating, but Harry seemed more interested in a scrap of newspaper he'd found on the table.

“Hagrid! That Gringotts break-in happened on my birthday! It might've been happening while we were there!”

Hagrid didn't seem to want to talk about this, instead just offering more rock cakes. Calvin couldn't help wondering if the groundskeeper might be hiding something.  
\--------------------------------------------------------------------------  
Calvin spent most of the next day in the dungeons, as Snape made him scrub out all the cauldrons, reorganize the supply cabinet, and write “I must not be insolent.” Until he'd filled the entire blackboard

Eventually Snape ran out of things for him to do and released him. “I hope you've learned a lesson from this.” he said.

“Did anyone ever tell you, you smell like bitterness and old shoes?” Calvin replied, demonstrating he'd learned absolutely nothing.

“Get out!”


	7. Flying 101: Broom Accidents

The next few days were fairly uneventful. Hobbes had spent Calvin's day in detention getting to know some of the other students and, to everyone's great surprise, he'd hit it off with Hermione. It seemed Hermione had a soft spot for cats, and was more inclined to forgive certain behavior in Hobbes than she was in a human. Meanwhile Hermione's studious nature reminded Hobbes just a little bit of Susie Derkins, whom he'd always liked almost as much as he claimed Calvin did. The two could now frequently be seen on the sofa in the common room, Hermione holding a book with one hand rubbing Hobbes's belly with the other.

In more exciting news a notice had been posted saying that they would start flying lessons on Thursday, unfortunately it also said that the Gryffindors and the Slytherins would be taking the lessons together. Still for the next few days flying was all anyone could talk about, nearly everyone from wizarding families already had a story to tell about their own experience with flying, though Calvin suspected many of them weren't true, especially Malfoy's stories about being chased by muggles in helicopters. Calvin had never ridden a broom of course, but he did tell the story of how he and Hobbes had once flown a carpet around his father's office building. Ron informed him he'd better not try anything like that again, as flying carpets were illegal in Britain.

Thursday morning began with Neville receiving a present from his Grandmother, a glass ball filled with white smoke. "It's a Remembrall!" He told them "Gran knows I forget things – this tells you if there's something you've forgotten to do. Look, you hold it tight like this and if it turns red – oh..." the smoke had turned red. "...you've forgotten something..."

"But it doesn't tell you what you've forgotten?" said Calvin. "Doesn't sound especially useful."

"Campbell's right about that!" declared Draco who'd just sneaked up and snatched the Remembrall from Neville.

Harry, Ron, Calvin and Hobbes all jumped up ready to fight Malfoy, but they didn't have to, as Professor McGonagall had spotted trouble and come straight over "What's going on?"

"Malfoy's got my Remembrall, Professor."

"Just looking." Malfoy said, scowling as he put down the Remembrall and left.  
\--------------------------------------------------------------------------  
That afternoon the Gryffindors rushed out of the castle for their lesson, finding the Slytherins already waiting, the brooms on the ground in neat lines.

"Well, what are you waiting for?" barked Madam Hooch, a gray haired witch with hawk-like eyes. "Everyone stand by a broomstick. Come on, hurry up."

Everyone rushed to obey.

"Stick out your right hand over your broom, and say 'up!'" Madam Hooch told them.

"UP!" Shouted everyone.

A few of the brooms jumped into the students hands right away, including Harry's. Calvin's rose a few inches and fell back down, he tried again and this time it came to him.

Once they all had their brooms Madam Hooch walked around correcting everyone's grips. "I've been flying a broom for years." Malfoy told her when she tried to correct him.

"Then you've been doing it wrong for years."

Harry and Ron grinned, and Calvin laughed out loud.

"Now when I blow my whistle, you kick off from the ground, hard," Madam Hooch told them when everyone was gripping their broomstick correctly. "Keep your brooms steady, rise a few feet, and then come straight back down by leaning forward slightly. On my whistle – three – two –"

Here Neville panicked and kicked off early, shooting straight up into the air "Come back, boy!" Madam Hooch shouted, but Neville just kept rising.

At about twenty feet Neville looked down terrified, and slipped off of his broom. He would have had a very nasty landing, if Calvin hadn't had an idea. He'd had something he'd wanted to try ever since reading _The Standard Book of Spells(Grade 1)_ , and now seemed like the perfect time. In the blink of an eye he pulled out his wand, pointed it at the ground beneath Neville and shouted _"Spongify!"_ a split second later Neville found himself landing on a patch of earth that was soft and rubbery, like a makeshift trampoline. He bounced a few times before finally landing on his rear, a bit shaken up, but unharmed.

"You alright, Longbottom? Nothing broken?" asked Madam Hooch as she helped him up. "Campbell! That was some quick thinking! You might have saved Longbottom from getting seriously hurt. Ten points for Gryffindor!"

Then Neville threw up, apparently all that bouncing had not agreed with him.

"Oh dear" Madam Hooch said. "Perhaps we'd best get you to the hospital wing after all. None of you is to move while I'm gone! You leave those brooms where they are or you'll be out of Hogwarts before you can say 'Quidditch.' Come on, dear."

Neville groaned as Madam Hooch led him away.

"That was brilliant!" Ron told Calvin.

Harry and the other Gryffindors shared similar sentiments, even Hermione had to admit(somewhat grudgingly) that that had been a resourceful use of the Softening Charm.

Meanwhile the Slytherins were busy making fun of Neville until Draco noticed something on the ground "Look! It's that stupid thing Longbottom's gran sent him." He said, grabbing the Remembrall.

"Give that here, Malfoy." Harry said.

"Yeah!" added Calvin.

"I think I'll leave it somewhere for Longbottom to find–" Malfoy said with a nasty smile. "how about – up a tree?"

"Give it here!" yelled Harry, but Malfoy was already on his broom flying up towards the top of a nearby oak tree.

"Come and get it!"

Harry and Calvin both grabbed their brooms

"No! Madam Hooch told us not to move – you'll get us all into trouble." Hermione shouted.

They both ignored her, mounting their brooms and kicking off. Harry, it seemed, was a born flyer, zooming through air with no trouble at all. Calvin, unfortunately, was less naturally gifted in this particular area. Which is to say, he quickly lost control of his broom, crashing into the same tree Draco had threatened to leave Neville's Remembrall in, getting tangled in its branches.

As Calvin struggled to free himself he could hear Harry and Draco shouting at each other but he couldn't make out what they were saying. Then there came a shout that was all too clear, Professor McGonagall's voice screaming "HARRY POTTER!"

Calvin froze, hoping she wouldn't be able to see him in the tree. There was some more yelling, not as loud so again he couldn't hear the words. After a minute she must have left, because he stopped hearing her voice. Then he heard Ron shouting beneath the tree "You all right up there, Calvin?"

"I'm stuck in some branches," He shouted back. "But other than that I'm fine. This isn't the first time I've crashed and gotten stuck up a tree."

"I thought you'd never ridden a broom before."

"Who said anything about a broom?" Calvin said as he went back to trying to get free. "This was in a little red wagon."

"How in the world did you manage that?" came a disapproving yell from Hermione.

"It wasn't easy!" Calvin replied. Finally he managed to get unstuck from the branches. It took him another minute to wrench his broom free from the branch it was caught in, and he managed a somewhat shaky ride to ground just in time to avoid being caught by Madam Hooch when she came back.  
\--------------------------------------------------------------------------  
Calvin felt a bit guilty that Harry had gotten caught and he hadn't until that night at dinner, when Harry confided in him and Ron that he hadn't gotten in trouble at all. Professor McGonagall had actually taken him to meet Oliver Wood, captain of the Gryffindor Quidditch team, and made Harry the new Seeker.

"You're _joking_." said Ron.

"That's great Harry!" said Calvin, with as much enthusiasm as he could manage despite his dislike of organized sports.

"Congratulations." added Hobbes between bites of food.

" _Seeker?_ But first years _never_ – you must be the youngest House player in about –"

"– a century, Wood told me." Harry said as he started eating. "I start training next week, only don't tell anyone, Wood wants to keep it a secret."

Then Fred and George came over "Well done," said George(Calvin had finally learned which was which) quietly "Wood told us. We're on the team too – Beaters."

"I tell you, we're going to win that Quidditch Cup for sure this year," Fred added. "We haven't won since Charlie left, but his year's team is going to be brilliant. You must be good, Harry, Wood was almost skipping when he told us."

"Anyway, we've got to go, Lee Jordan reckons he's found a new secret passageway out of the school."

"Bet it's that one behind the statue of Gregory the Smarmy that we found in our first week. See you."

"Remind me to check out that statue later." Calvin told Hobbes as the twins left. "Never know when we might need a good escape route."

Then Malfoy showed Crabbe and Goyle with him as usual. "Having a last meal, Potter? When are you getting the train back to the Muggles?"

"You're a lot braver now that you're back on the ground and you've got your little friends with you." Harry replied.

"I'd take you on anytime on my own, tonight if you want. Wizard's duel. Wands only – no contact. What's the matter? Never heard of a wizard's duel before, I suppose?"

"Of course he has," Ron said before Harry could answer. "I'm his second who's yours?"

"Crabbe," Malfoy replied after a moment. "Midnight all right? We'll meet you in the trophy room; that's always unlocked. And I suppose you'll want your other little friends to come watch?" he added eyeing Calvin and Hobbes.

"Hobbes and I wouldn't miss a chance to see Harry kick your butt!"

"By all means," Malfoy replied, with a nasty smile. "Potter will probably need all of you there to scrape what's left of him off the floor when I'm done."

"What _is_ a wizard's duel?" Harry asked Ron when Draco had left. "And what do you mean, you're my second?"

"Well, a second's there to take over if you die," Ron replied surprisingly casual "But people only die in proper duels, you know, with real wizards. The most you and Malfoy'll be able to do is send sparks at each other. Neither of you knows enough magic to do any real damage. I bet he expected you to refuse, anyway."

"And what if I wave my wand and nothing happens?" Harry asked.

"Throw it away and punch him on the nose"

"And if that doesn't work," said Calvin. "We can always let Hobbes have another go at him."

"Excuse me." They looked up to see Hermione.

"Can't a person eat in peace in this place?" asked Ron.

She ignored him. "I couldn't help overhearing what you and Malfoy were saying –"

"Bet you could." said Ron.

"– and you _mustn't_ go wandering around the school at night, think of the points you'll lose Gryffindor if you're caught, and you're bound to be. It's really very selfish of you."

__"And it's really none of your business." Harry told her._ _

__"Good-bye." Added Ron._ _

"She's not wrong." said Hobbes. 

"Traitor!" Snapped Calvin  
\--------------------------------------------------------------------------  
After dinner on the way back to Gryffindor Tower they found Neville waiting by the portrait of the Fat Lady. His nausea had cleared up, though he hadn't felt up to dinner, but he'd forgotten the new password to the common room. They informed him it was 'pig snout' and all went in. 

__Ron spent the evening giving Harry a lot of(mostly useless) advice about the duel. Calvin had tried to help as well but all he could think of was "If you manage to take out Draco and have to go up against Crabbe, just talk to him using a lot of big words, then hit him with your best curse while he's wondering what you said."_ _

At half-past eleven they got out of bed, pulled on their bathrobes and grabbed their wands(except Hobbes who had neither), and crept down the staircase. As they crossed the common room they heard a voice say "I can't believe you're going to do this, Harry." a lamp came on and they saw Hermione frowning at them. "And I don't even want to know what _you_ have planned." she added looking at Calvin. 

__"What makes you think I'm going to do anything?" Calvin asked._ _

__"Aside from all the insane behavior I've seen from you since we met? Hobbes told me about the noodle incident."_ _

__Calvin muttered something about cursing Hobbes's mouth shut, while Ron snapped at Hermione. "Just go back to bed!"_ _

__"I almost told your brother, Percy!" she snapped back. "He's a prefect, he'd put a stop to this."_ _

__"Come on." said Harry pushing open the Fat Lady's portrait and crawling out._ _

"Don't you _care_ about Gryffindor, do you _only_ care about yourselves?" Hermione asked following them. " _I_ don't want Slytherin to win the House Cup, and you'll lose all the points I got from Professor McGonagall for knowing about Switching Spells."

__"She has a point." Hobbes whispered as they climbed out the other side of the hole._ _

" _You_ shut up, and _you_ go find someone else to nag!" Calvin told them.

__"All right, but I warned you, you just remember what I said when you're on the train home tomorrow, you're so –" Hermione broke off. She'd just seen that the portrait had closed behind them, and the Fat Lady was currently not in it. "Now what am I going to do?"_ _

__"That's your problem," Ron told her. "We've got to go, we're going to be late."_ _

__"I'm coming with you."_ _

"You are _not_."

__"D'you think I'm just going to stand out here and wait for Filch to catch me?" She asked "If he finds all three of us I'll tell him the truth, that I was trying to stop you, and you can back me up."_ _

__"You've got some nerve –"_ _

__"If you two don't quit bickering, you'll get us all caught!" Calvin hissed._ _

"We are _not_ bickering!" they said in unison. 

__"Whatever you call it, Calvin's right about getting us caught, so shut up and let's go!" whispered Harry._ _

__Quietly they crept through the castle, half expecting to be caught at every turn, but somehow they made it all the way to the third-floor and into the trophy room. Malfoy and Crabbe weren't there, Harry took out his wand in anticipation of their arrival. A few minutes passed and there was still no sign of them._ _

__"He's late," Ron whispered. "Maybe he's chickened out."_ _

__Just then they heard Filch's voice from the next room. "Sniff around, my sweet, they might be lurking in a corner."_ _

__Harry motioned for everyone to follow him, scurrying towards the door, away from Filch_ _

__"They're in here somewhere, probably hiding."_ _

__"This way!" mouthed Harry leading them down a gallery full of armor._ _

__They might have been able to sneak away, but unfortunately in the darkness, Calvin accidentally stepped on and tripped over Hobbes's tail, which caused them both to tumble into one of the suits of armor with a crash that seemed as though it could be heard through the whole castle._ _

__"RUN!" Harry yelled, any chance of a stealthy escape now gone. They rushed through the corridors, not even knowing where they were going. Somehow they found themselves tearing through a tapestry, into a secret passageway, which came out by the Charms classroom, nowhere near the trophy room._ _

__"I think we've lost him." Harry panted_ _

"I – _told_ – you," said Hermione, gasping for breath. "I – told – you."

__"We've got to get back to Gryffindor Tower, quickly as possible." Ron said._ _

__"Malfoy tricked you, you realize that don't you? He was never going to meet you – Filch knew someone was going to be in the trophy room, Malfoy must have tipped him off."_ _

__"Gee, do you really think so, Hermione?" Said Calvin with as much sarcasm as he could manage, being somewhat out of breath. "It's a good thing you were here to tell us. It's not like we could ever figure out something so patently obvious."_ _

__"Let's go." Said Harry._ _

__But they'd only taken a few steps when in front of them, a classroom door opened and out flew Peeves, he squealed when he saw them._ _

__"Shut up, Peeves – please – you'll get us thrown out."_ _

__"Wandering around at midnight, Ickle Firsties?" cackled Peeves "Tut, tut, tut. Naughty, naughty, you'll get caughty."_ _

__"Not if you don't give us away, Peeves, please."_ _

__"Should tell Filch, I should, it's for your own good, you know." Peeves replied._ _

__Ron took a swipe at Peeves. "Get out of the way."_ _

__"STUDENTS OUT OF BED! STUDENTS OUT OF BED DOWN THE CHARMS CORRIDOR!" Peeves shouted._ _

__Again they started to run, until they slammed into a locked door._ _

__"This is it! We're done for! This is the end!" Ron wailed_ _

__"Just as well, this is –" Hobbes began._ _

"Oh, move over," Hermione interrupted, she snatched Harry's wand and tapped the lock with it, whispering, _"Alohomora!"_

__The door opened and they started to hurry through it. "But that's –" Hobbes tried to say._ _

__"Shut up and get in!" hissed Calvin pulling him in and closing the door, all the humans standing with their ears pressed against it._ _

__"Which way did they go, Peeves? Quick, tell me." they heard Filch say._ _

__"Say 'please'." the poltergeist replied._ _

"Don't mess with me, Peeves, _now where did they go_?"

__"Shan't say nothing if you don't say please."_ _

"All right – _please_."

__"NOTHING! Ha Haa! Told you I wouldn't say nothing if you didn't say please! Ha ha! Haaaaaa!" Peeves whooshed away. leaving Filch swearing._ _

__"He thinks this door is locked, I think we'll be okay." whispered Harry._ _

__"Now what were you trying to say, Hobbes?" asked Calvin._ _

__"I was trying to say, this is the forbidden corridor" Hobbes replied, sounding more terrified than Calvin had ever heard him. "And I think I see why it's forbidden!"_ _

The humans turned around to see a three-headed dog, so enormous it barely fit between the ceiling and the floor, and it did _not_ look happy to see them.

__"This would be so awesome if we weren't about to die!" declared Calvin._ _

__Harry got the door open and they all ran out slamming it behind them. They no longer cared if Filch caught them, which didn't matter anyway because he'd left to search for them elsewhere. They ran all the way back to the Fat Lady's portrait without stopping or even slowing down once. Thankfully the Fat Lady had returned._ _

__"Where on earth have you all been?" she asked them._ _

__"Never mind that – pig snout, pig snout." Harry panted, and they all rushed in once the portrait opened, collapsing into the nearest armchairs._ _

__"Well, that was so terrifying I may never be able to sleep again." said Hobbes. "How about you guys?"_ _

__"What do they think they're doing, keeping a thing like that locked up in a school? If any dog needs exercise, that one does." Said Ron._ _

__"You don't use your eyes, any of you, do you?" Hermione snapped. "Didn't you see what it was standing on?"_ _

__"The floor?" guessed Harry. "I wasn't looking at its feet, I was too busy with its heads."_ _

__"In case you didn't notice, it had three!" Calvin added._ _

"No, _not_ the floor. It was standing on a trapdoor. It's obviously guarding something." She told them "I hope you're pleased with yourselves. We all could have been killed – or worse, expelled. Now, if you don't mind, I'm going to bed."

__"No, we don't mind," Ron stared at her as she left. "You'd think we dragged her along, wouldn't you?"_ _

__"Did she just imply that being kicked out of school would be worse than being torn limb from limb by that beast?" asked Calvin._ _

__"Yes, I think she did." said Harry._ _

"And she thinks _I'm_ insane?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not super happy with how this chapter came out. There was so much important plot stuff in this part of the story that I really struggled coming up with stuff for Calvin and Hobbes to do that wouldn't risk unraveling everything, you know? But I think the next few chapters will be better. Please feel free to tell me if you think I'm being too hard on myself.


	8. Surprises In The Mail

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to apologize for the long wait between chapters. I've had a terrible case of writers block but finally managed to work through it. Hope this was worth the wait.

The look on Malfoy's face the next morning, when he realized his plan to get them all expelled had failed, was priceless. In the light of day, now that they were safe from the three-headed dog, the whole thing seemed terribly exciting in hindsight, except to Hobbes who was still mortified to know he was living so close to such a creature. Hermione also seemed less than excited, She now refused to speak to any of them except Hobbes, not that anyone minded.

Meanwhile Harry told them about the trip to Gringotts he and Hagrid had taken on his birthday, and how Hagrid had emptied a vault, containing a small grubby package, that presumably was now being guarded by the three-headed dog. But none of them had any idea what it could be, and there didn't seem much hope of them guessing.

But Calvin had a more immediate concern on his mind. Despite Draco's scheme being unsuccessful, he still felt revenge was called for. The first chance he got he went to the library and checked out a stack of books on jinxes, hexes, and curses. Later on when he was going through them, Hobbes pointed out that if he were to just walk up to Malfoy and hex him, he'd probably get expelled, and he realized he'd have to come up with something a bit sneakier.  
\--------------------------------------------------------------------------  
"How did I let you talk me into this?" Hobbes asked as they sneaked out of the common room that night.

"Shh! The less we talk the less likely we are to get caught." Calvin told him.

Creeping around a corner, they suddenly found themselves bumping into Fred and George "What are you two doing up?" asked Fred.

"We'll tell you what we're doing if you tell us what you're doing." Calvin replied.

"Right, none of our business." Said George.

"Say, maybe you two could help some fellow troublemakers out?" Calvin asked. "Would you happen to know of a shortcut to the dungeons? We'd owe you one."

The twins whispered to each other for a moment, then Fred replied, " _Of course_ , we know a shortcut to the dungeons."  
\--------------------------------------------------------------------------  
"I _still_ say this is a bad idea." Hobbes whispered as they crept through the potions classroom. "What if we get caught?"

"Relax, according to Fred and George, Filch is in bed already, Mrs. Norris is in the Library, and Peeves is in the Charms classroom." Calvin said as he opened the Student Supply Cupboard.

"How do they do where everyone is?"

"How should I know? Just grab as many bottles of Flobberworm Mucus as you can and let's go."  
\--------------------------------------------------------------------------  
Minutes later they were in a broom closet, Hobbes emptying the stolen bottles of Flobberworm Mucus into a bucket, while Calvin was tying some string into a makeshift tripwire.

"So, when Malfoy comes in he'll trip this wire, which will cause the bucket to tip over, and he'll be covered in Flobberworm Mucus." Calvin explained as they finished setting up the trap.

"And how exactly do you plan to lure him into this broom closet?" Hobbes asked.

"I've got that covered." Calvin said holding up a note he'd written earlier. "Next stop the Owlery."  
\--------------------------------------------------------------------------  
The next morning at breakfast one of the school owls landed in front of Malfoy to deliver him a note, which read:

_Draco,_

_Want to take Potter and his friends down a peg? You are not alone. I have a plan to teach them a lesson, but I need your help. Meet me in the Entrance Hall broom closet at lunchtime and I'll explain everything._

_Signed, A Friend._

Meanwhile Calvin was whispering to Harry and Ron about what he'd done.

"You really think he'll fall for it?" asked Ron.

"We'll just have to wait and see, won't we?" replied Calvin.  
\--------------------------------------------------------------------------  
When lunchtime came, Calvin, Hobbes, Harry, and Ron took their slow, sweet time getting there, coming down the staircase into the entrance hall just in time to see not Malfoy, but Filch heading for the broom closet. Malfoy was standing on the other side of the room looking smug, until he saw the four of them coming down the steps, then he looked shocked, as though he expected at least one of them to be somewhere else, say in a closet waiting to ambush him.

Suddenly there was a clatter and a scream of rage, and all eyes were on Filch as he staggered out of the closet, covered in Flobberworm Mucus with a bucket over his head. Prying the bucket off he glared at Malfoy. "I should have known this was a trick, after that wild goose chase you sent me on the other night!"

"What? No!" exclaimed Draco. "I told you – the note – that trap was meant for me!"

"I've had enough of your lies!" Filch snarled, grabbing Malfoy and dragging him away. "You'll pay for this. If only Dumbledore would let me whip you little beasts!"

Malfoy continued to protest as Filch led him away, but Filch ignored him, just muttering about all the things he wished he were allowed to do to students. Once they were gone everyone grinned.

"Not exactly the way I planned it," said Calvin. "But that worked out pretty darn well, didn't it?"

"What do you think Filch will do to him?" asked Harry.

"Not half as much as he'd like to." Ron replied "Malfoy'll probably get a detention or two."

"He'll probably have to collect more Flobberworm Mucus to replace all _he_ stole for that prank." chuckled Hobbes.

"That ought to teach him not to mess with us!" said Calvin.  
\--------------------------------------------------------------------------  
On Sunday morning it was Calvin who received a surprise in the mail, when a pale Barn Owl landed in front of him.

"That's weird." he said "Everyone I know with access to an owl is already here at Hogwarts, no need to write."

Taking the envelope from the owl he noticed it was regular Muggle paper, not parchment, and it was addressed to him in his mother's handwriting. He took out the letter and read:

_Dear Calvin,_

_What happened to writing? It's been two weeks and not a word from you! I know two weeks isn't a lot, but it's the longest you've ever been away. Heck, at home it was practically a miracle if you made it through an entire school day with me getting a phone call. And it's not exactly easy for us to write to you. Your father had to find this Leaky Cauldron place you told us about, ask the barkeeper to help him into Diagon Alley, and buy us an owl!_

_So how is school? We haven't heard from any of your teachers so I assume you haven't gotten into any_ big _trouble yet. How's everything else going? How are your classes? Are you getting along with the other kids?_

_I expect a prompt reply, young man. Aristotle(that's what your father's decided to call the owl) has been told not to come back until he's got a response, and if you don't write one by this evening to peck you until you do. So get to it!_

_Love, Mom._

Calvin looked up from the letter to see the owl giving him a very disapproving look. "My, what a sharp looking beak you have." he said nervously. "I'll have that letter soon. In the meantime you probably want to rest." he glanced over at Harry's owl Hedwig, who came by every morning even though Harry had never gotten any mail, except one note from Hagrid. "Hedwig, would you show Aristotle here to the Owlery? Thanks."

Hedwig glanced at the other owl, gave a nod, and off they flew.

"Well I gotta go write a letter, before that bird comes back to peck my head open. See you guys later." Calvin said as he finished breakfast and left.  
\--------------------------------------------------------------------------  
Up in Gryffindor Tower Calvin took out some parchment a quill and ink and started writing.

_Dear Mom and Dad,_

_Sorry I forgot to write until now, But things have been really busy here at Hogwarts._

_No, no big trouble yet, although that's mostly because so far I haven't been caught. Except Hobbes caused a bit of a scene when – never mind, not important. And I did get one detention for mouthing off to a teacher, but he deserved it! I mean, he's pure evil! I know I say that about all teachers but this guy really is! If you want I could probably get you sworn statements from a few dozen people saying that he lives to make children miserable!_

_The evil teacher notwithstanding, the classes here are really interesting, except for History of Magic. The guy who teaches that must be the most boring person who ever died(he's a ghost). But other than that it's great, and I'm actually doing really well in most classes so far. It's amazing how much easier it is to pay attention when they're teaching things worth learning about._

_Except for a few bullies, and one bossy know-it-all, I'm getting along fine with everyone. Guess what? I've actually made some friends,_ human _friends! Granted I'd probably like them even better if they were animals, but as people go they're great. One of them is a huge celebrity! He defeated a dark wizard and basically saved the world when he was just a baby, how cool is that?_

_I do kind of miss you guys, but other than that, everything's great here, so try not to worry about me._

_Love Calvin._

Then as an afterthought he added:

_P.S. I'm enclosing a letter for Susie Derkins, please forward it to her through the Muggle post. Don't Worry, I'm not going to tell her anything she's not supposed to know._

Putting aside the parchment and quill he took from his trunk a regular Muggle pen and a spiral notebook, tearing out a page he wrote:

_Dear Susie,_

_Sorry it's been so long since my last letter, but I've been really busy at my new school, which is real, and cooler than you could ever imagine, even though I can't give you all the details._

_The classes here are all really interesting, well, except for history, and I'm doing really well in most of them. You always thought I was, dumb, but it was like I said, I was just to smart for the class._

_I've made some new friends here. I know what you're going to ask. Yes, they're real. Yes they're human. And they may or may not think I'm crazy, if they do they haven't said so out loud, unlike you, and I'm not great at reading people. One of my new friends is famous, you wouldn't have heard of him, but here everyone knows his name._

_It's not all great here, though, I do have to put up with some really awful people. First of all there's the school's caretaker. He's a mean, bitter old coot, who's trained his cat to tell him if she sees anyone breaking rules. Then there's the-_

Here Calvin had to pause for a moment to think of a plausible lie.

_-chemistry teacher. He's a monster, really. He started his first class by telling us all we were "dunderheads" too stupid to understand his subject. And he's always being really mean to my friend Harry(he's the famous one) for no reason at all. He hates me too, but as you can probably imagine, I give him plenty of reasons to._

_There's also a little bully problem here. This snotty little rich brat, with a face like a ferret, who thinks he's better than everyone else. He's got two henchmen who might actually be part gorilla. Get this, one of them's a dead ringer for Moe, even responds the same way to everything I say, stands there with that same dopey look and says "what?". Every time I see him I half expect him to call me "Twinky" and demand my lunch money._

_So how's it going with you? Things any more interesting now that school's begun? I look forward to hearing from you again._

_Sincerely, Calvin._

_P.S. Hobbes is more real than you'll ever know, and the least you can do is say "hi" back._  
\--------------------------------------------------------------------------  
That evening Aristotle the owl flew into the dormitory and Calvin was quick to give him the envelope he'd put the two letters in before the pecking started. "Nice meeting you." He said as the owl flew away.  
\--------------------------------------------------------------------------  
The next few days passed without incident, then one morning something unexpected once again came in the mail when six large screech owls dropped a long thin package in front of Harry, and yet another owl dropped a letter on top of the package.

Harry read the letter first, then grinned as he quietly gave it to Ron to read, who read it quickly then passed it to Calvin.

_DO NOT OPEN THE PARCEL AT THE TABLE._

_It contains your new Nimbus Two Thousand, But I don't want everybody knowing you've got a broomstick or they'll all want one. Oliver Wood will meet you tonight on the Quidditch field at Seven o'clock for your first training session._

_Professor M. McGonagall._

"A Nimbus Two Thousand! I've never even touched one."

Calvin could tell from how envious Ron sounded that the Nimbus Two Thousand was not your run of the mill broomstick.

Harry, Ron and Calvin quickly hurried out to take the broomstick upstairs and open it. Hobbes was more interested in eating than in brooms, so he stayed at the table.

In the entrance hall they were blocked from going upstairs by Crabbe and Goyle, while Malfoy snatched the package from Harry and felt it.

"That's a broomstick," He snarled, throwing it back. "You'll be in for it this time, Potter, first years aren't allowed them."

"Who died and made you Filch?" Replied Calvin.

"It's not any old broomstick, it's a Nimbus Two Thousand. What did you say you've got at home, Malfoy, a Comet Two Sixty?" Ron said with a grin. "Comets look flashy, but they're not in the same league as the Nimbus."

"What would you know about it, Weasley, you couldn't afford half the handle, I suppose you and your brothers have to save up twig by twig."

Both Ron and Calvin were inclined to say something very rude back to Malfoy, but before they could they were interrupted by Professor Flitwick, the Charms teacher, and the only adult Calvin had ever met who was the same height as him. "Not arguing, I hope, boys?"

"Potter's been sent a broomstick, Professor."

"Yes, yes, that's right, Professor McGonagall told me all about the special circumstances, Potter." Professor Flitwick replied with a smile. "And what model is it?"

"A Nimbus Two Thousand, sir, and it's really thanks to Malfoy here that I've got it."

As they walked off, Harry and Ron tried to suppress their laughter at how angry and confused Draco had been, Calvin didn't bother to suppress his.

"Well it's true, if he hadn't stolen Neville's Remembrall I wouldn't be on the team..."

"So I suppose you think that's a reward for breaking rules?" They turned to see Hermione angrily following them up the stairs.

"I thought you weren't speaking to us?" Harry replied.

"Yes, don't stop now, it's doing us so much good." Ron added.

Hermione turned up her nose and started to march away.

"What, you're just going to leave before _I_ get to make a smart remark about you not talking to us?" Calvin called after her. "Rude!"

Hermione glanced back to give him a dirty look but said nothing.  
\--------------------------------------------------------------------------  
By the time they got the broomstick up to the dormitory there was no longer time to open it before they had to get to class. It wasn't until after dinner that they were finally able to rush upstairs so Harry could open the broom.

"Wow!" Ron sighed as they got their first look at the sleek mahogany broomstick.

"I don't know much about brooms," said Calvin. "But I can tell that's a nice one."

They all admired it for a while until Harry had to leave for his first Quidditch practice. The next morning over breakfast Harry explained to Calvin all he'd learned about Quidditch.

"Whoa!" said Calvin who up to that point hadn't paid much attention when the other students talked about Quidditch, but it seemed much more interesting now that a friend of his was on the team. "I normally don't like organized sports, but that sounds almost as much fun as Calvinball!"

Hermione, who despite her desire not to speak to them never seemed to be very far away, looked directly at Hobbes to make it clear she was speaking to him, not Calvin, when she said, "What, dare I ask, is Calvinball?"

"Calvinball is the most disorganized sport in the world." Hobbes explained.

"I invented it!" Added Calvin.

" _We_ invented it." Corrected Hobbes.

"And how do you play Calvinball?" Asked Ron, curious what sort of game could possibly be more fun than Quidditch.

"Calvinball's too complicated to explain," Replied Hobbes. "It has to be experienced."

"Good idea! This Saturday afternoon, on the lawn where we had our flying lesson should be a good place. You guys in?" Calvin asked.

Harry and Ron glanced at each other.

"Sure."

"Why not?"

"Great!" Said Calvin getting up. "Hobbes, we better go double check that we didn't forget to pack any of the equipment."

"I'm pretty sure we got everything." said Hobbes also getting up "I remember I helped you pack the Calvinball, the wickets, and the flags. Do we have enough masks?"

"If not we can always make more."

And the two walked off leaving Harry and Ron to wonder what on earth they'd just agreed to.


End file.
